Quotes from Falling Leaves

Falling leaves

The Hag in the Swamp

Elyse: Bullrush attack?! Why would I use that?
Slash: Everyone gets one.
Patrick: You wouldn’t.
Josh: It’s like belly buttons. And opinions.

Josh: …you see this vision. A flash of darkness and you see an Obsidian Castle…
Elyse: Wait, start that description again.
Everyone else: laughs loudly
Josh: A flash of darkness and you see an Obsidian Castle…
Elyse: You’ve got to start it again, they were laughing! I’m really trying to focus!
Josh: A FLASH. Of Darkness. And YOU see an OBSIDIAN. CASTLE. Just like in Minecraft.
Everyone else: Still laughing
Elyse: Ok, an obsidian castle and a flash.
Patrick: Flash first!

Describing the Fey Wild:
Josh: Out of the corner of your eye, you think you glimpse a beautiful woman looking up at you from under the water…
Patrick: It happens a lot.
Josh: Or an old man peering at you from between the leaves of a tree.
Patrick: That happens a lot too.
Matt: “Yep, definitely a cleric.”

Slash: It’s our home plane.
Elyse: So now we feel guilty? Isn’t that what happens when you go home?

After rolling a 1 on a nature check:
Patrick: I poke a tree with a sword.
Josh: It says “Doooon’t doooo thaaaat.”

Elyse: “Hey guys, don’t I look a little taller?”
Patrick: BFG says “At least 3/4ths of a inch.”

Josh: After passing through some particular dense bushes (their INT is 2).

Hearing a hag singing:
Elyse: She’s a little pitchy. A little pitchy, dog.
Matt: That’s ok, we can fix that in post-processing.
Slash: We have software called auto-bard.

Patrick talking about Mot’s Fade Away: If one of us hits you, you could turn invisible…

Speaking of the Hag in the swamp:
Josh: She didn’t detect you, which is why you see her in her native form.
Elyse: Naked?
Slash: Native.
Patrick: BFG’s like, “What’s going on? Get out of the way.”
Josh: You see an old hag.
Patrick: “Ohhhhhh. My eyes!”

Mot is sending Psychic thoughts to Ganassi:
Josh: It’s barely understandable. It’s like “alsdewqnffpdjvnmeprfhqvdsfvdafjpoidsjf”.
Slash: “I think Mot said she spotted an old rag? I’m not sure how that’s relevant.”
Matt: A mold rag?
Slash: Then I just heard puppies, and kittens, and then the communication cut out.
Elyse: Unicorns.

Josh: BFG figure out how to use your level 11 character, go! Lance of faith still works.

Now a cleric armed with a sword:
Patrick: BFG turns to D’kar and says “Which end goes out?”

Linc: I will attempt to strangle the hag.
Josh: What? She seems so nice. And attractive…

Patrick: I point my sword at the crocodile and swear an oath. “I will gut you!”
Matt: I’m coming for your kidney!

Part of his new sword’s power after a crit:
Matt: For the moment, I point in the direction of the Barony of Thurn.
Patrick: The Barony of Thurn?
Matt: Like ‘The Natural’.

BFG is in the mouth of the crocodile:
Slash: Don’t worry, I just remembered something that I have!
Patrick: It will teleport me 10 squares UP.

Contemplating escaping a grab using a teleport:
Slash: I was going to use my teleport on BFG
Josh: But screw him.

As the crocodile gnaws on BFG:
Elyse: Bifguh-jerky! Get it?

Ganassi casts burning hands in the swamp:
Josh: The tree next to you starts smoking because it’s really damp in the swamp.
Slash: Fire saftey, kids.
Patrick: Only you can start forest fires.

Patrick: This is going to be epic!
Elyse: This is where he straps on…
Slash: Wait, what?!
Josh: Oh my!

After BFG leaps back onto the Feywild Crocdile:
Slash: Mot blushes at the things Ganassi shouts at him in Elven.
Elyse: That’s when I throw a bar of soap at you.
Josh: She uses prestidigitation on your mouth. You can’t curse for an hour.

Speaking of Patrick’s other character, Muckenfuss:
Slash: He’s not touched anyone recently.
Elyse: That’s a good thing. A lot less police involvement.

Elyse: That’s a very tiny pencil.
Josh: It’s a nub.
Slash: That is not at all what she said.

Elyse: laughs
Slash: 10 minutes later, she gets the joke.

Elyse: I need to start paying attention.
Josh: Uh, yeah!

Josh: Do you want an awesome bonus for riding the crocodile?
Patrick: Yes.
Josh: OK, you hit.
Elyse: You flip off the crocodile and land. On your head. 10 damage.

Elyse: The next time the lights are coming out, they’re coming out to the back of your head.

Slash: In the Feywild, colors are a little brighter, smells are a little smellier, and Mot is a little more Mot.

Matt: That’s a natural 31.
Josh: On a twenty sided die? That’s impressive!

While BFG is being choked:
Slash: This character of Patrick’s isn’t supposed to be blue.

Astrazalian

Patrick: BFG slices a couple flowers with his newly sharpened sword.
Josh: “Help ussss!”
Slash: “Don’t DO that!”

Deciding to visit Mot’s home:
Patrick: Is there alcohol there?
Elyse: We can make it.
Patrick: Magical alcohol!
Josh: BFG is intrigued. “I have not had such magical alcohol.”
Patrick: Maybe the Feywild isn’t all bad!

Slash: Ganassi attemps to lead the party down the steps [into Mot’s home]. Slips on the tiny steps and slides down to the bottom. Springs to his feet, forgetting that these are gnomes, smacks his head something fierce and mutters another elven curse.

Patrick: “So, Mr. Barfmunger, do you use all this yeast for just baking bread?”
Josh (as Mr. Barfmunger): “She’s not moving back in here.”
Patrick: “So, Mrs. Barfmunger, do you use all this yeast for baking bread?”

Elyse’s sister was fascinated with the French Exchange student:
Josh: One of Mot’s sisters is staring at one of the other bakers working on baguettes. beat He’s French.

Asking about her song “Like a Sidekick”:
Elyse: I ask my father if he’s heard of my one hit wonder.
Josh (as Mr. Barfmunger): “Yeah. Neb, Amme, and Elso were playing that for weeks. I told them to stop. A lot.”
Elyse: There is nothing like a live performance.
Josh: He does this (mimes taking off his glasses and rubbing his nose). Takes off his glasses, because he’s reading, and rubs his nose. “Maybe tomorrow night, because you’ll be gone.”
Slash: Ganassi prestidigitates ear plugs and offers them.
Josh (as Mr. Barfmunger): “I don’t usually like Eladrin, but you seem ok.”
Patrick: Wait until you see his tattoo!

Josh (as Mr. Barfmunger to Mot): You aren’t too tall to spank!

Linc: What I do need to roll to steal a chair?
Josh: A chair?
Linc: The chair, his [Mr. Barfmunger’s] chair.
Josh: He’s very large for a gnome.

Josh (as Arkenndar): “You’re friends of Ganassi? Come stay with us at the Silver Oak Inn for the evening.”
Elyse: Yes!
Patrick: Yes! For different reasons.

Elyse: These noble people tip well right?
Josh: Yes, I guess so.
Patrick: And drink well!

Patrick: I sharpen my sword.
Josh: Is that a euphemism? Do that in your room!

Elyse: During dinner, I decide to check out Ganassi’s mom’s room.
Patrick: Oh no.
Elyse: Just to see what I can see.
Patrick: Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak.
Slash and Elyse: They’ll be at dinner!

Elyse: As dinner’s ending, you hear, “And now, the singer of the number one hit…What is the name of my song?”
Slash: Like a sidekick? You’re making the announcement and this is verbatim.
Elyse: And I come sliding out and give the performance of a lifetime. And I have a hat sitting out.
Matt: guitar riff
Josh: Zaos seems unsurprised and the sourpuss expression on his face deepens. The nobles kinda [golf clap and give backhanded compliments] before throwing a few gold into the hat, which is like copper to them.
Matt: “Don’t give up your day job.”
Josh: “It’s very interesting to see that sort of thing here.”
Slash: “How quaint.”

Josh: You awake in your beautifully appointed rooms.
Elyse: Silk sheets?
Josh: Double silk!
Elyse: Egyption silk?
Josh: 10,000 thread count. You have to hold on to the edge for fear of slipping off the other side of the bed, it’s that fancy.

Josh: Unseen servants knock on your doors to let you know that breakfast is ready.
Slash: knock knock knock Ganassi, knock knock knock Ganassi, knock knock knock Ganassi.

Josh: You join Ganassi’s mother and her companion for breakfast.
Patrick: Are they looking particularly radiant this morning?
Josh (with emphasis): Maybe.

Slash: Ganassi always has a book. He reviews his spells.
Matt: “50 shades of Gnomes”.

Josh: As you are finishing up, a well-dressed messenger comes in and speaks to Zaos, whose frown deepens even more.
Patrick: What?
Slash: It’s now in his chest!
Patrick: Your face will freeze like that!

Discussing swords at breakfast:
Patrick: I draw my sword.
Josh: You brought it down with you?
Patrick: Doesn’t everybody?
Slash: I brought my sword.
Josh (stage whisper): In my pants.

Linc: Writes a note
Slash: laughs He made an note. “Zaos is an asshole.” It’s pertinent information.
Patrick: Does Zaos mysteriously sprout a leaking wound?
Everyone: laughs
Josh: As Scarab walks by a red line appears on his throat.
Slash: pretending to look at Scarab’s hitlist names on his fingers Does that look like a Z to you?

Slash: I guess these candidates reached…the last page. Screams

Josh: Your siblings are all happy to see you.
Elyse: I punch them in the stomach, because that’s what we do.
Josh: Oh, they slap you in the face. Then you all shake.
Matt: shakes in his seat That’s how you do it in the FeyWild.

Rolling for random rumors:
Matt: You learn that somebody has the rot.
Patrick: Lady Shandria…wow….
Elyse: She’s on the other team?
Patrick: Nude pics.
Elyse: Lady September.
Matt: You learn that just before the city came over that some people in town had Mummy Rot
Josh: “At the medicine sold by Maxfield the Magnificent didn’t do a bit of good for that Mummy rot. He said he’s going up to Thistleton this week. I’ve got half a mind to go up there and kick his ass!”

Trying to find witnesses to the murder in the University district:
Josh: The shops were all closed.
Patrick: A lady of the night?
Matt: Aren’t you a cleric?
Patrick: I try to save her soul.
Slash: Yeah, you do.
Matt: Let me show you the light!

Josh: You arrive at the Cyclops Eye Inn. Let me give you some details, because I wrote all this background crap and you’re going to hear it!

Josh: There’s a large skull over the door with a hole in it where the eye should be. Behind the bar a one-eyed half-elf….
Patrick: That’s a job hazard! They take your eye.
Matt: Actually they profile the people before they hire them. “You have to have one eye to work here, I’m sorry.”

Linc: I taste the poison. I have immunity to certain posions.
Elyse: And you die!

Investigating insect bites:
Josh: It looks like some sort of Scarab beetle. Not you!
Slash: It keeps coming back to you.
Linc: I swear I didn’t do it this time!
Slash: Shhhhhhhhhhh!

Josh: Someone a few seats down from you, “Why is it that every tavern I go into is out of prune juice?!”

D’kar talking to a guard at the bar:
Josh: “Ale, ale, I’ll tell you anything for an ale! And some of it might be true.”
Matt: Ok, I’ll bite. “What’s your story?”
Josh: “I’m so tired of being a guard. I SUCK at guarding things.”
Matt: “What do you guard?”
Josh: “Right now I’m guarding the docks, because I can’t guard anything good.”
Patrick: “What have you seen?”
Josh: You’re upstairs!
Slash (yelling as if upstairs): “What have you seen?!”
Matt: “What were you guarding last night?”
Josh: “Just some warehouses down by the docks. It was super boring.”
Matt: “You didn’t see anything?”
Josh: “Sometimes I think I see ‘assassins’ going in and out of a place down there, but there’s no such things as assassins!”
Linc (playing the group’s assassin): Scarab walks downstairs.
Slash: laughs This guy’s a moron! “There’s no such thing as assassins”.
Matt: Where did you see these assassins?
Josh: “If you ask down at Gob’s Flophouse, they know where the ‘assassins’ usually are. Whatever. I don’t know. Is that enough? Can I have another ale please?”
Matt: “Sure.”
Slash: “‘Assassins’. They’re probably halflings.”
Josh: “They probably don’t exist either. How could it be half of something? That doesn’t even make any sense.”
Slash: “If they’re half of something, where’s the other half?”
Matt: Your scholastic test indicated you would be well suited for a guard didn’t they?
Slash: It’s Kevin Malone as a security guard!
Josh: “Aced that thing!”
Linc: I assume a 33 for thievery is enough to pick him clean?
Josh: Yup.
Patrick: He leaves sans pants.
Slash: He’s standing there in his underwear now and doesn’t notice.
Josh: He goes to take a sip and the mug that D’kar bought him is gone. “Whatever.”
Matt: I go to leave and pay him for the ale he’s doing to drink the rest of the day.
Elyse: And new pants!

Astrazalian Pt 2

Ben: I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes waiting for this to start.
Josh: It will start when I say “OK!”
Ben: So say it!
Josh: I just did.
Matt: It will start with Ben saying “I’m waiting for ten minutes for this to start!”
Ben: I already said that!
Slash/Elyse: We’ve started.
Josh: “We’ve gone past then, we’re at now.”

Recapping last session:
Josh: Where Glurp Patrick pours a drink pour some out for his homies, with some help from your deities defeated an Aspect of Orcus.

Patrick: Can we see a map of the city again?
Josh: Yes!
Matt: Can we see a picture of D’kar?
Josh: No! Because I didn’t load them in [Masterplan].

I was sounding really raspy because of a cold:
Ben: Can you stop talking like that?

Every two minutes since the session started:
Ben: So where’s the monster you are trying to kill?

I was sounding really raspy because of a cold:
Josh: Music drifts out of a number of the buildings around here, some instrumental and some vocal.
Matt: What do the vocal ones sound like?
Slash: laughs
Josh: This. points to throat
Matt: Yes, I was waiting for that.

Describing Karitas Tavern:
Josh: Up on stage you see a duergar and an orc, belting out some sort of ballad, much to your chagrin.
Slash: It’s Klingon Opera.
Josh: If I had internet access you’d be hearing the lovely tones of “I’ve got you babe”

Josh (as LornLeaf): “Mot, I’m glad to see you back here again! I’m sorry tonight is karaoke night…”
Matt: “I’m so glad to see you here, maybe you’d like to karaoke?…”
Patrick: “You’re number one song?!”
Matt: “…Please get them off the stage and sing your number one hit!”

The party had been transported 6 months into the future:
Slash: “We’ve been waiting months for you to release a new single!”

Discussing a door with many trans-dimensional locations behind it:
Patrick: Send the assassin!
Matt: We’ll tie a rope around you.

As the singing succubi lure half the party away:
Patrick: Do you think you could be singing enough to lure them away?
Elyse: I don’t know, I was just kinda having a moment here with my cake?
Patrick: Are you done?

Josh: If you don’t intevene, Lorn will. He’s tolerant of other people coming down here, but he’s not real thrilled with them trying to kidnap guests. It’s bad for profit.
Patrick: Paying customers.

Elyse: Don’t eat all of it!
Slash: I’ve had two freakin’ bites! You need to settle down!
Elyse: You need to not take such big bites! Big mouth.
Matt: Straight to angry drunk.

BFG tries to rescue the party:
Patrick: I make my way to the center of them, wherever they are, “You aren’t taking my friends!”
Linc (as Scarab): “I’m your friend?!”
Slash: Awwwww. It snapped him out of it.
Josh: Scarab’s heart grew three, no, it’s still dead and black.

Elyse’s cake recipe:
Matt: Take some choclate, crumble it. Mix it into some Creme De Minthe.
Kristy: Shape it into a cake.
Matt: Spray it with whip cream.
Kristy: Like playdough.

Elyse: I apologize, you may have more [cake].
Slash: Duhhhhh.
Elyse (explaining to Kristy): He was taking big bites, so I yelled at him.
Slash: Ok. Slash slices a fairly big bite
Elyse: That’s a pretty big bite.
Kristy: Huge!
Slash: Ok. holds said bite up to his enormous maw for comparison.
Josh: Alright.
Matt: Where did it go?
Kristy: It looks miniscule! Bite, what bite?
Elyse: I think I saw something in your teeth, did you have a hot dog earlier?

Elyse: I can see your dangly thing.
Matt: Put that away.

As the succubi teleport away:
Slash: Sliders!
Matt: chuckles
Slash: I’m glad somebody else laughed at the reference. As it left my mouth I thought “That was really obscure.”

Slash (as Ganassi): “Do you trust this bartender?”
Elyse (as Mot): “I trust him to give me money when I play.”
Slash (as Ganassi): “You are so useless to us. Why do we keep letting you come along?”
Elyse (as Mot): “I enrich your lives.”
Slash (as Ganassi): “I don’t think that’s it.”
Matt & Patrick: “It’s the healing.”
Elyse: That would be enriching your lives by keeping you alive.
Slash: It’s hard to argue with that brand of logic.

As I take a bite of cake:
Slash: We talk to [Lorn] about the ghost murder story.
Josh: starts chewing super fast
Elyse: laughs
Slash: “And we demand an answer right now!”
Elyse: I enjoyed your fast chewing.
Slash as Josh: “Oh no, I thought I had a moment here, the players were talking to each other. I thought I could take a bite of cake. All of a sudden, ‘Whatddya say?’”

Matt: I rolled a 31.
Josh: On what?
Matt: Nothing.
Josh: Very good! That earns a high five.

Talking about the murders around town and the group assassin:
Patrick: If he had been here two days earlier he would have done it!
Linc: That’s right. You know money, rewards.
Slash: It’s a very politcal world, man.
Linc: Asassin’s gotta live.
Slash: Or unlive. As the case may be. Asassin’s gotta un-die, man!

At the Sad Halfling Playhouse:
Patrick: BFG picks out a new costume for D’kar.
Matt: Who is not there.

Matt: You find D’Kar sitting in the fourth row back, and something you didn’t know is that he has a latent fascination with theater.
Slash: You got absorbed into the rehearsal.
Matt: I’m sitting down watching Dwarven MacBeth while you guys are out checking the theater.
Josh: Isn’t Hamlet the guy with the skull?
Linc: Yeah, Hamlet.
Josh: Dwarven Hamlet. Dwarflet.
Matt: Dwamlet.
Patrick: BFG takes this opportunity to slap him.
Josh: How do you respond, D’kar?
Matt: I punch him like The Hulk does Thor.
Josh: You go flying, but you heal yourself though.
Linc: And your ok!
Patrick: In mid-air, because this has happened before.
Slash: Ganassi takes off his glasses.
Elyse: “What did I do wrong?”
Slash: “It wasn’t you this time Mot.”

Josh: “We haven’t had anything stolen recently. [The makeup] is very easy to come by. We just get it down at the Coster.”
Patrick: “Costco?”
Slash: Boxes of 80 jars.

Reading the box of makeup:
Slash: “Not tested on gnomes.”
Josh: Mot’s like “Thank goodness they stopped that.”
Elyse: “That sucked! My eyes are still burning.”
Josh: “A Gnome’s gotta make a living.”

Linc, in every location all night, trying to match his half of a note:
Josh: Arkenndar gave you a message…
Linc: Did it match this?
Josh: No.
Slash: Scarab is like “I have a clue in this investigation! And I will follow it!”

At the Coster:
Josh: Beautiful Eladrin men and women waft perfume at you.
Matt: You stink, you stink, you stink, you stink.
Slash: They skip me.

Josh: After being spritzed by four or five different smells, you are able to speak with the shipping clerk for large orders.
Matt: Is that a per-requisite for speaking to him?
Josh: Yes.
Elyse: Do they still test on gnomes?
Josh: No, everything is gnome free these days.
Elyse: Since the gnome uprising.
Josh: They all grew 3/4ths of an inch.

Josh (as the makeup counter eledrin): “Can I interest you in some bulk makeup? (To Scarab, the revenant) How about you sir, you seem a bit pale? You look like a Winter.”

Trying to convince the merchant to give us info:
Slash: “Those are your options: Either D’kar beats your head in, or we let her sing to you.”
Josh: “I’ll take the beating.”

Everyone rolls pretty low intimidates until:
Elyse: I had 30.
Slash: “I said I’d sing!”
All: laughter
Josh: She grabs him by the cajones.
Elyse: It is my move.

Slash: Is this an attractive Eladrin woman?
Josh: She’s older, but she’s still fairly attractive.
Patrick: Are you an attractive Eladrin man?
Slash: I am.
Josh: What’s your charisma score? If it’s an 8, then no.
Slash: 10
Josh: Ah, you’re all right.
Elyse: You’re average.
Linc: Mine’s 16.
Elyse: Mine’s freaking 21. I’m hot as shit!
Slash: No, your just very good at convincing people that your hot.
Elyse: That’s all that counts, if you know how to walk…
Linc: Mine’s 16.
Elyse: I’m hotter than you.
Linc: But the undead guy is hotter than him.
Elyse: Good point!

Josh (as an eladrin tavern owner): “Would you like some lunch? I doubt you came here for the small talk.”
Slash: “Not originally.” wink and double guns
Josh: She’ll make you a man!

Patrick: I roll a 20 diplomacy to talk to whoever is around.
Josh: What do you want to know?
Patrick: The state of the universe.
All: laughs
Patrick: “I’m a human in a far-off plane, the plants scream when you cut them…”

Asking if the Paladin covers himself with a cloak:
Matt: Yeah, I have a cloak, but it has a big Bahamut symbol on the back. I’m pretty immune to everyone’s stares.
Josh: “Have you heard the good word, brother?”
Slash: That’s what you should be doing, trying to convert people.
Matt: I’ve got the Bahamut bible in my pocket and I’m going around thumping people with it.

Matt: “Let’s just leave Scarab here and catch tonight’s showing of Damlet.”
Slash: “D’kar we have a destiny to fulfill and it doesn’t include theatre going.”
Josh: “Or showtunes.”
Patrick: Jazz hands!

Investigating the Delivery

Inside the rundown warehouse:
Elyse: What’s it smell like?
Josh: Fish and ass…
Patrick: You don’t want to know.
Josh: Heavy on the ass.
Elyse: So, my dad’s car.

Linc: Is there anything in the fireplace?
Josh: It’s burnt. It’s like ashes.
Linc: Anything in the ashes of importance? holding up part of the note again
Josh: No
Slash: “Is there a piece of a note that matches the note?!”

Elyse: What’s the door smell like?
Linc: Wood and ass
All: Laughter
Linc: Is there anything on the door that matches this? holding up part of the note again
Josh: No…
Linc: K!
Josh: You’re good. You’ll get another part of that…
Linc: Sweet!
Josh: …eventually.
Linc: Dammit.

The shrine to the Raven Queen:
Elyse: It’s decorated.
Slash: With streamers.
Josh: Black streamers. There are several papers resting on the altar.
Linc: holds up part of note
Josh: None of those.

Elyse: claps in her face I thought I could wake myself up. Sometimes it works.
beat
Slash: WAKE UP!
Elyse: screams and slaps him Son of a Cheese Whiz!
Others: laughter
Elyse: It’s not cool.
Josh: Son of a Cheese whiz? Is that like Velveeta? Or is that the Dad of a Cheeze Whiz?
Patrick: Really?
Slash: Just trying to help.
Matt: She now has the hiccups.
Slash: I don’t know how to cure that now.
Patrick: And she’s pregnant!
All: laughter
Slash: You know her family has bets on us coming back from this Disney Trip with a third kid.
Josh: You’re just going to grab one off the street?
Elyse: We’ve already said…
Slash: Seperate beds.
Elyse: … Boys with boys, girls with girls. We are not taking any chances.
Slash: There are counter measures in place.
Patrick: That damn Mickey.
Slash & Elyse: It’s a magical place!
Slash: Magical things happen.

Slash: Whines because his arm hurts
Elyse: You need a kiss?
Matt: That’s how it starts… Screaming and slapping and kissing.
Patrick: Then an elevator ride and it’s all over.
All: Laughter
Matt: Then Aerosmith. D&D After Dark.

Josh: Runes on the statue begin to glow.
Matt: And they say “Pelor is a pansy.”
Patrick: “and Bahamut is his butt-monkey.”

Slash (as BFG): “Huminah, huminah, huminah, Pelor!”
Patrick: 12
Matt: “Huminah, huminah, huminah, Bahamut!” rolls 30!
Slash: laughing 12 religion? What’s your plus?
Patrick: annoyed 9
Slash: Wow.

Josh: To Matt, you hold onto that until it’s your turn. (to Patrick) You going to do anything else, besides suck.
Slash: Does he die instantly?
Patrick: I pull out my sword and try to smash something.
Slash: I totally believe that. Because I can totally see BFG coming up “Huminah, huminah, huminah, Pelor!” and start smashing stuff.
Patrick: Hulk Smash!

Slash (itching his chest): Why am I in the front next to the shrine?! I am not happy with this scenario!
Elyse: Are you trying to assert your manhood now?
Slash: No, I have a very itchy chest.
Elyse: Ew.

Slash: If I know my monster mechanics…
Matt: And he does.
Elyse: I don’t believe him.

Elyse: I am so full.
Slash: …of it.
Josh: pity laugh
Slash: Thanks, man. I appreciate you having my back.

As the chain trap misses:
Slash: I bat it out of the way with my longsword. And then I unsheathe my sword.
Elyse: Oho!
Patrick: Oohhh.
Josh: You are now circumcised. The hard way.
Patrick: You’re welcome says the Rabbi.
Linc: You are finally a man.
Josh: Gwenistra is looking for you!

Slash: Wait, he’s a cleric?
Patrick: Only on Wednesday’s.
Slash: laughing Only on Wednesday’s, when I’m sober.
Patrick: So never then.

Slash: “Huminah, huminah, humiah, Ioun.” That’s who I’m following.
Linc: He’s upstairs.

Matt: There’s a guy in the room? I didn’t notice that.
Slash: laughing You were channeling Mot’s deity!
Matt: I was apparently!
Slash: We are so far out of practice for this damn game!

With the dragonborn ready to breathe bolstering breath:
Slash: Give us your garlic blessing, or whatever it is.

Grabbed by the chain Guardian:
Slash: Where does it grab me?
Josh: All the wrong places.
Patrick: It rubs the lotion on it’s skin.
Slash & Josh: Eww.
Josh (to Slash, after attacking him): Are you done?
Slash: That was YOUR turn!
Everyone: laughs

Slash: The time will come when I’m a master of time. Pun!

Slash: What do you know, you’re the cleric. Allegedly.
Patrick: Only on Wednesdays.

BFG continues to give bonus to others:
Patrick: I give the +2 damage rolls to Scarab.
Matt: looks incredulous
Josh: D’kar is like “WTF?”
Patrick: He mocked my god.
Matt: You didn’t make your religion roll!
Josh: You self mocked your god.
Matt: You mocked yourself!

Slash: By the way, I have it in my head, this entire battle whenever D’kar has taken any kind of action, in incredibly bad actor voice, he’s called out some vaguely relevant line from Damlet.
Matt: No it’s just random…
Slash: “Et tu, Chainashio!”
Matt: It’s random Shakespeare.
Elyse: That’s Julius Ceaser!
Matt: That’s what I’m thinking.
Slash: Damlet has MacBeth, Hamlet.
Josh: It’s the best of all Shakespeare.
Patrick: It’s the original all of them came from Damlet.
Slash: It’s only one plotline. In Dwarven.
Josh: And it is epic!
Elyse: Do they also die out of love at the end?
Patrick: They all take poison.
Josh: Or stab themselves. It’s just corpses everywhere.
Elyse: Then all of sudden a hurricane comes through.
Josh: Poison in a big mug of dwarven ale.
Slash: Four Dwarf Ale
Josh: Sponsored By… Brought to you by Four Dwarf Ale.
Slash: They fall down and then turn it so the label faces the audience.

Slash: Chain guy is in the corner.
Elyse: Chain smoker. Probably butts everywhere. That’s why it smells like ass!
Matt: No, because you were standing behind BFG!

Matt: It’s because you are at the height, is the only thing.
Elyse: It’s true, I am right there.
Josh: You smell a lot of crotch.
Patrick: I only drink, I don’t eat.
Slash: True that’s going to cause some problems.
Patrick: There’s no beans, no prune juice…
Matt: It doesn’t work the same on dragons! That’s why I get drunk off of it.

Elyse: I saw that my poor friends were stubbing their toes, so I charged up, my hair turned yellow, stood on end and pfffffffff!
Slash: “Kahme-Hame”
Elyse: Lights came out of my fingers, wrapped around each of my allies, around the guys legs, up through his face, and out his mouth.
Josh: And 75 episodes later, he died.

Searching the room:
Linc: Read the letters! holding up part of the note again

Gob’s Flop House

Josh: As the party walks in the patrons eye you up, especially D’kar.
Matt: I hand them a Bahamut bible.
Josh: They don’t seem to pay you much mind, yet.

Josh: There’s a orc missing a hand, replaced by a hook and he’s…
Slash: Cursing Peter Pan?
Elyse: Is he sitting at a Piano? ticking sounds

Patrick: I cleanse a bed with solar wrath.
Josh: Are you going to sleep?
Patrick: No.
Slash: He’s just going to clean some random bed. The nearest one.
Josh: That guy appreciates it as you see 1000 critters run out of it.

After rolling a 30 streetwise:
Josh: Mot seems to get the downlow; probably because she is shorter.

Elyse: Do I want to pretend to be a part of the assassins?
Slash: Oh wow! Yes you do, just so I can watch!
Patrick: Only until we get info…
Josh: Scarab looks pissed.
Linc: I’m sitting in the corner watching all this and laughing.
*Slas*h: We must follow through with this line of thought.
Elyse: I heard it!
Slash: And this seems like a very Mot thing to do. “Oh, I’m part of the assassin’s guild, I can assist you with such things.”
Patrick: Let’s just Creu de graux him and get this over with.
Slash: He’s not helpless. Do the thing! Do it! Roll the dice! What should she roll, bluff?
Josh: Bluff
*Slas*h: Bluff-it!
Linc: I’m just going to sit in the corner and get out my poison.
Elyse: Rolls a 6, 22 and I’m intimidating him at the same time, rolls a 6 18.
Slash: with the same roll. Those are both 6s.
Elyse: I’m tripping over my foot and going “I can do this!” Poke my eye with the sword.
Slash: “I’m part of the assassin’s guild…” fumbling sounds “You want to hire me!”
Patrick: And all the rest of the party facepalms
Slash: Ganassi removes his glasses.
Elyse: “Come on, don’t you have a dream!”
Slash: And we break into a scene from Tangled.
Slash and Elyse* (Singing): “I had a dream once.”
Elyse (continues to sing): “I’m malicious, mean, and scary!” I should stop now.

Slash (as D’kar): “What do you know about the Ebony guard?”
Josh: What are you asking about? The Ebony Guard or the Assassin’s guild?
Matt: Oh, that’s right. We came here to talk about the Assassin’s Guild.
Slash: “And/or the assassin’s guild?”
Josh: Ebony Guard / Assassin’s Guild.
Slash: “Stop me when you hear a phrase that sounds familiar: Ebony Guard… Assassins Guild…”
Josh: “The raven squawks at midnight at the third bell.”
Matt: “A blind moose walks backwards in a storm.”
Slash: “Muckenfuss.”
Josh: “That is the word.”

Mot rools thievery on Urgoth, the hook handed assassin’s guild contact:
Elyse: 25
Josh: He’s not trained in perception, so you can probably get away with it. Do you take his hook?
Elyse: Score!
Patrick: Take his pants.

Slash: Stole two gold from an orc with a hook. Achievement unlocked.

Assassins Guild

Talking about his soda:
Slash: By the way, you have the coldness settings on this refridgerator perfect. There is slush in here and I love slush in my soda.
Matt: Wow.
Linc: That’s because it was in the back of my van.
Slash: So don’t change a damn thing over there.
Matt: Really? Alright.
Elyse: That’s because it was in the back of their van.
Slash: Oh, did this come with you? The back of your van…
Matt: Is perfect for you?
Elyse: Whoa, whoa.
Matt: Kid # 3!
Elyse: I was not in the back of any van!
Patrick: Not until Disney.
Elyse: In the back of a van?
Patrick: Disney is magical.
Elyse: I am way to old for the back of a van.
Josh: Magic van.

After using the secret knock:
Slash: various unlocking and opening sounds
Matt: “Is the word of Bahamut on your heart today?”
Slash: reverses the previous sounds

Linc: Holds up the portion of note
Josh: You don’t see a note.
Linc: K, check.

Patrick: I check for a back entrance.
Josh: There are lots of other doors.
Matt: Aren’t you a cleric?
Slash: “Don’t touch me.”
Patrick: He said there were many of them.
Slash: “BFG what are you doing with your hands?”

As a die goes into the F-off bag:
Slash: One of my criteria is that thou shalt not roll two 1s in a row.
Josh: Next one is going to be something better. You trained it out of two 1s.
Slash: Alright. retrieves die
Patrick: He suckered you.
Slash: I don’t know why I’m listening to the DM…

Slash: I’ve got a 22 perception to look at the papers he is shuffling around.
Josh: They look like invoices.
Linc: holding up part of the note agai*
Josh: No. Wait. No.
Linc: Cross off every room.

Matt: Oh, why couldn’t [the assassin’s guild leader] be a a drow?
Linc: Because then he’d be dead and we wouldn’t get any information.
Slash: SHUSH!
Linc: Just sayin’.

Figuring out a mutual agreement with the Assasin’s Guild:
Matt: “Honorary membership for our assassin?”
Elyse: “And me!”
Slash: “And Mot.”

Slash: “I’m glad to see you are running an honorable operation here.”
Everyone: laughs

Linc (fishing for work): Out of earshot. “Any open contracts?”
Josh (as the assassin’s guild leader): “You work with a paladin and a cleric…”
Slash: “Good luck!”
Josh: “I don’t have anything for you.”
Linc: “Does Gendar mean anything to you?”
Josh: “No, not really.”
Slash: “SHUT. UP.”
Linc: I said out of ear shot!
Josh: “Not that I heard.”

Murder Murder Murder

Elyse: Could be hormone imbalance, who knows…
Slash: That’s a good start to the audio.
All: laughter
Slash: We leave it to you, the listener, to figure out what we were discussing.

Rolling perception in the sewer:
Patrick: (rolls a 1) I fall into the sewer.

Josh: You find some markings and maybe some blood.
Patrick: It’s my blood.
Slash: BFG you’re corrupting the evidence!

Patrick: From the sewer, I say “Thundercats Hooooooooooooo!”

In the Sewers:
Josh: You follow the trail.
Linc: holding up part of the note again
Josh: No notes!

Josh: You find something that might have been a Gelatinous Cube.
Patrick: Mutilated…*
Slash: Sewer corpses.
Josh: Yeah.
Patrick: “Good thing we are following it!”
Slash: “Yeah! I hope we find it soon.”

Rolling poorly again:
Patrick: I find a barrel and fall on it.
Josh: You’re kind of bobbing along.
Slash: So now Ganassi splits his focus. Got a light going. Got a mage hand on you guiding you along the path.
Patrick: But far enough away I don’t stink you up.
Slash: Yeah. I don’t want to smell you. And with a third split of my focus I’ve cleaned you for an hour with my Prestidigitation.
Elyse: Whoa, whoa.
Josh: Sponge bath.
Matt: Who are you, Kvothe?
Elyse: I believe you need to ask permission first.
Josh: Virtual sponge bath.
Slash: It is a magical thing.
Josh: Magical sponge bath.
Slash: You may feel violated, but you were not violated.
Patrick: If only Pelor…
Slash: Take the word of your violator, I mean…
Elyse: I don’t know about this party anymore.

Differences between sewers in the University District and the Nobel district:
Josh: It smells better, like roses.
Matt: Does their crap smell better?
Josh: Nope, it’s exactly the same.

Josh: You hear a kinda waterfall-ish sound…
Matt: “Man, I gotta go to the bathroom!”

Trying to find a fire fighting ritual:
Elyse: You could create a campsite.

As the DM summarizes the plot based on Patrick’s insight roll:
Slash: Ah, that makes sense. “Good thinking, BFG.”
Josh: What do you mean? He just rolled a number. I wrote the damn plot!
Slash: That was in character!

Patrick: Clearly, our way forward is clear. We kill the rest of the candidates and let your mom ascend to the throne.
Josh: (exasperated) Aren’t you a cleric?
Patrick: Only on Wednesdays.
Matt: Sober Wednesdays.

Murder Murder Murder Murder

Slash: That’s why we have to ask the Lady about other
Josh: scratches his beard
Patrick: The lady is not going to know!
Josh: Why you gotta play me like that?
Patrick: Because you are scratching your beard!
Slash: It’s your tell!

Josh: What are the names of the guard here?
Patrick: incredulous The EBONY guard?
Josh: No.
All: laughter
Slash: Mystery solved!

Josh (as a guard): “What do you want?”
Patrick: “There’s been a third murder!”
Josh: “What?!”
Patrick: “A THIRD MURDER!”
Josh: He doesn’t believe you. “What proof do you have of this?”
Patrick: “Blood!”
Matt: “Do you want to taste it?”
Linc: “Flesh.”

Patrick: Let’s just kill him. There are 4 others!
Josh: Oh my gosh. Worst cleric ever.
Elyse: Or the best!
Patrick: Only on Wednesdays.

Slash: knock knock knock Zaos knock knock knock Zaos

Josh: He sends one of the unseen servants to get her while he stands there to make sure you don’t steal anything.
Slash: I glower at him.
Josh: You guys have a frown off.

Slash (speaking to Arkenndar): “I leave her life in your hands…”
Elyse: And he knows how to use those hands.

Josh: Let me open up plotpoint “Murder in the Artisan District”.
Slash: Shit. laughs
Patrick: Oh no! How can we be too slow on this one too?!

Morning Sewer Meeting

Waking up at The Fairy Dragon Inn:
Slash: We hate the wake up call. “It’s time to get up, it’s time to get up, it’s time to get up in the morning!”
Josh: tap tap tap Ganassi tap tap tap Ganassi
Linc: I stab one.
Josh: You kill Mot’s least favorite sibling.
Elyse: That was the annoying one.
Slash: One of…
Elyse: Hey!

Elyse: I’ll ghost sound a mouse if we need help.
Matt: squeak “You hear something? Nah! Dragonborn ears!”

Josh: Inside the carriage you find a slender man…
Slash: A SlenderMan?! No!!!
Matt: Don’t look at him!
Josh: Missing a finger on each hand…
Slash: Whoa.
Josh: Because he (Matt’s Teacher Roland Dupron) was a shop teacher, right?
All: laughs

Patrick (Not currently with the party): “Take his money!”
Josh (in bad accent): “Well, I wouldn’t just give ’em the money.”
Slash: You aren’t there!

Investigating the Shadar-Kai

Linc: “Ok!”
Josh: I say it, not you! “O-KAY!”

Recapping previous sessions:
Josh: A vision you shared of the OBSIDIAN CASTLE.
Slash and Elyse: laughter

Projecting the Combat Manager on the wall:
Elyse: E…S…C…M
Josh: Is that too small? I can go up one.
Slash: laughs

Josh: Is that it?
Linc: I think so. mumbles incoherently
Josh: I have no idea what you just said.
Slash: I think he had a stroke!

Speaking of the government sequester:
Patrick: This is the sequester support drink.
Elyse: I called it Sequestria the other day.
Slash: That’s where the SeaPonies are from.
Josh: Makes sense.
Slash: From Sequestria.
Josh: Seahorses, perhaps?

Talking about leaping off a bed to attack:
Patrick: I would like to see a dwarf…
Matt: Wrong character.
Patrick: A dragon leap off a bed.
Matt: The problem is D’kar is not like BFG.
Josh: He thinks before he acts.
Slash: laughs

Ben: Does anyone have a bow and arrow to shoot…
Slash: We’re working on, just chill out!

Patrick: How hurt are you, Linc?
Linc: I’m two points away from bloodied.
Matt: Almost crying, but he’s not quite there yet.
Josh: sniff sniff I’ll be ok!

Elyse: That reminds me of my favorite joke that Matt told me: "How many characters, er how many Dragonball Z characters does it take to unscrew, er…
Slash: To change a lightbulb?
Elyse: Yes.
Slash: Only one, but it takes 3 episodes.
Elyse: I suck at telling jokes.
Slash: You’re alright.
Elyse: Thanks, honey.
Josh: “I wouldn’t say SUCK.”
Slash: “That’s not the word I’d choose…”

After the chainfighters have done a bunch of damage:
Patrick: Come join us in the room. It’s nothing but chains and harmony!

After Ganassi barely hits one out of 3 targets
Elyse: Not bad.
Slash: Shut up! Let’s see what you can do!
Linc: “You didn’t exactly suck on that one…”
Josh: “That’s not the word I would use.”

Comparing Damage done:
Elyse: Your percentage of hitting is only 33%.
Josh: Her’s is 100%.
Elyse: Booya! Ba-BAM!
Slash: I have a higher DPR.
Elyse: What’s DPR?
Slash: Damage Per Round.
Elyse: I have a higher…AF. Awesome Factor!
Matt: You paused for a sec there to make sure you got that right.
Slash: “I have the higher FA, Awesome Factor!”

As everyone talks over Ben’s impressive dice tower collapsing:
Josh: Shhhh, Scarab’s doing math!

Matt misses by one:
Patrick: I have a power that could give you one, but I have to cast it in advance.
Josh: In advance of you sucking.
Slash: “In anticipation of your suckitude, I hearby cast…”

Talking about ongoing damage:
Josh: Ok, he already took his 5.
Slash: I don’t think he did. Give him another 5.
Josh: Ok.
Slash: And keep doing that until he’s dead.
Josh: I don’t think so.
Slash: Let’s take a vote. Who thinks he should take another 5?

As the Shadar-Kai mage mocks Scarab’s relationship with the Raven Queen:
Matt: “The queen’s told me I’ve disappointed her more times than you’ve met her!”

Elyse is checking the fridge:
Slash: Call out to me the various flavors.
Elyse: Hard.
Slash: I do like things hard!

Josh (as Razvahn Maslay): “Some of our seers in Gloomwrought have learned that Orcus is trying to locate the Raven Queen’s true name. He found out somehow that it’s hidden somewhere in the Grand Library…”
Linc (as Scarab): “It’s Sarah, but that’s ok. I already knew that.”
Josh: “SHHHHHHHHH!”
All: laughter

Matt (as D’kar): “Hold on a minute, they’ve already killed!”
Josh: “We have a grander purpose, protecting a goddess.”
Matt: “Not mine.”
Linc: “One you will meet!”

Protecting Alyssa

After Ganassi gives a servant 2 fake coins:
Josh: D’kar do you see this?
Matt: Probably not.
Slash: We could roll bluff and perception to see.
Josh: You probably let the small stuff go.
Matt: How could I not?!
Slash: There is so much small stuff.
Josh: You’d probably hang yourself.

Speaking of the all-knowing assassin’s guild:
Elyse: They know the color of your underwear.
Josh: Pink…
Matt: Brown.
Slash: Nude.
Josh: …With a brown streak.
Slash: No, no, the wizards wear robes for that very reason. They don’t wear underwear for similar reasons. It all goes together. Underwear would negate the purpose of the robe.
Matt: Moving on!
Slash: I’m not the one who brought it up.
Matt: Put you’re the one putting it down!
Elyse: Let’s stop putting things up and down.

Speaking of Arkenndar:
Elyse: This might be a good time to have The Talk with your mom.

Slash: Are there separate bed chambers?
Matt: Well, he will be protecting her, but is he protected…no, nevermind.
Josh: You guys will be standing guard right outside the master bedroom. No shenanigans.

Speaking of ill-gotten gains and the paladin:
Josh: Scarab fast hands it into one of your pockets, “Oh! Forgot to tithe this!”
Patrick: Scarab probably considers that to be his tithe. “It’s practically giving it to the church anyway!”

Getting ready to leap to the gardens below:
Slash (to Mot): “I toss you my ring.”
Matt: “I toss you. My ring.”
Elyse: Awwwwwwwwww.
Josh: You guys are going to get married!

After Elyse makes Ganassi invisible:
Elyse: It’s my engagement gift to you.
Patrick: A dowry.
Slash: “Now is not the time!”

Slash: I’m going to summon all the things!

Slash: What’s nice about my dailies is that they just keep going.
Elyse: That’s what she said.

Ganassi is rolling attacks against his ally:
Slash: And against Scarab…miss by 1!
Patrick: Wand of Accuracy?

Josh (as a treant): “Fire! Bad!”

The End

Slash: I assume she was aware of his drowness the entire time.
Josh: Oh, she was aware of his immense drowness.
Slash and Elyse: Ohhhhhhhhh.
Elyse: Once you go drow, you never go back.

Josh: I’ll wait for BFG, and Patrick, to get down here.

Patrick: Tolerance is one thing, cavorting is another.
Josh: Massive cavorting.
Patrick: Cavorting like rabbits.

Trying to decide between an extended rest or going to fight:
Matt: I’ve already erased everything on my sheet.
Patrick: “I was just waiting for the rest of you to catch up.”

Josh: Two of Scarab’s fingers begin to glow ominously.
Slash and Elyse: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Patrick: Snap!

Josh: A nearby chimney suddenly belches out white smoke.
Patrick: Like the pope!
Josh: Shouts of “The librarian has been chosen!” run through the crowd.
Slash: They got an Elder Librarian before we got a new pope!

Josh: A solemn looking Eladrin makes his way to the podium and opens a slip of paper: “The council of elders have elected Albrecht Durak.”
Slash: “OBJECTION!”
Josh: “There is no objections, sir.”

Josh: A handsome pale skinned man steps from behind the central staircase…
Patrick: Pale skinned man that doesn’t age? Michael Jackson!

Elyse: Oh my freaking Lord!
Slash: She hasn’t rolled anything above an 8 for initiative all night.

Elyse: Oh wait, they are both in here.
Slash: Yup, both of his finger guys.
Elyse: giggles

Matt: I grab whatever was about to slip away and go “Nuh-uh”.
Josh: His fancy cape.
Patrick: “No capes!”

Speaking of the two undead baddies:
Josh: They both deserve a ranking on your list.
Matt: Currently my list is vampire, assassin, vampire minions, Scarab.
Josh: Scarab is always on your list.
Matt: His position just changes.

Slash: I guess that minion will live another round.
Josh (as a minion): “Yaaaaaay!”

D’kar rolling dice on a dominated attack on BFG:
Matt: Adding numbers
Josh: Oh wow.
Slash: You said charge, so he’s adding the horned helm.
Slash and Elyse: laughter
Slash: Good on you for remembering the horned helm.
Linc: Plus 3 three from BFG
Matt: No, plus 3 from me!
Josh: Plus 3 from yourself.
Matt: Oh shoot, plus 2 more. “+2 to my next damage roll.”

Bloodfeast caused all undead to shift and attack:
Linc: I shift one.
Josh: Wait, what are you doing?
Linc (as Scarab, the undead assassin): You said all undead in the area…
Slash: laughs

Josh: Guess who wins the election?
Slash: “Go mom!”

Lady Shandria is handing out rings:
Josh: BFG, since you fall down and stuff a lot…
Slash: laughs
Josh: She gives you an actual ring of feather fall.

Josh: D’kar, for your actions, you are awarded a small, non-speaking part, in Damlet.

Quotes from Falling Leaves

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