Quotes from Thunderspire Labyrinth
Encounter 1: Fallcrest & Abandoned Farm
Josh: A deva in a red-hooded cloak stops his conversation with a blue-skinned woman to look up at your wagon and wink at Bosephus.
Josh: You see a wagon carrying Stonebreaker Ale traveling along the road.
Slash: “This way! This way!”
Josh: You recognize the tracks as goblinoid.
Patrick: I can’t know their names with a crit?
Josh: Bob the Hobgoblin and his Merry Band of Slavers.
Josh: You don’t have to roll very well to beat the perception check of whoever just texted me.
Matt: Good, because I got an 8.
Josh: Oh, well… [ pretending to text ] You hear D’Kar. Your stealth check was so bad-
Slash: -he knows your name!
Slash: And you have some kind of vague recollection associated with knocking on doors.
Slash: You got a 12 Religion? You know nothing about revenants! What kind of worthless paladin are you?
Slash: “As a paladin, you respect the entire pantheon.”
Matt: “We’re looking at an undead creature here!”
Linc: “I’m right here!”
Josh: [ while waiting for Matt to take his turn ] Everybody forgot how to play their characters!
Patrick: Ganassi’s even squishier than me, right?
Slash: A little bit, yeah.
Matt: There’s a battle. “I’m squishier.” “No, I’m squishier!”
Josh: “That is a big wolf.” [ Glurp misses ]
Slash: “Not big enough, apparently.”
Josh: “Shut up, elf!”
Matt: What are the negatives of being grabbed?
Josh: He can bite you. Which is 4d8 auto-hit.
Matt: Oh, well, yeah, Christmas crit!
Slash: I’m going to provoke an opportunity attack from each wolf.
Josh: [ rolls attacks ]
Slash: [ looking at the dice rolls ] Oh, that’s not good.
Josh: Yeah, they both hit. You take [ rolls two dice, then rolls again ]…
Slash: Are you kidding me? You’re rolling again?
Slash: 26 damage? Nice. So I have 4 hit points and I’m prone.
Josh: And you’re prone, between the wolves.
Slash: Well, that kills my move.
Matt: And mood.
Slash: [ running Mot for Elyse ] Oh, take 3 temporary hit points from Mot for bloodying an enemy.
Josh: [ whispering ] You’re a better Mot already!
Slash: I think the microphone picked that up, Josh!
Josh: Oh, you can flip these [tokens] over for bloodied, I forgot.
Matt: Can you flip me over for bloodied?
Patrick: We don’t like the view.
Matt: I want to see Matt crumble! Make him play Glurp, too.
Patrick: I’m going to Healing Word D’Kar, which is a surge, plus…
Slash: [ rolling attack for Mot ] I’ll use her die. [ rolls ] Crit miss.
Matt: While I’m cleaning off the sword, I apologize for getting frustrated earlier.
Patrick: To us, or to the sword?
Matt: Well, I’m looking at the sword.
Patrick: “I healed you twice!”
Matt: “That’s your job, cleric.”
Patrick: “Just because it’s my job doesn’t mean you should take it for granted.”
Matt: “Oh, so we have to pay for healing now.”
Patrick: “Oh, you’ll pay.”
Encounter 2: Into the Mountain
Patrick: The orcs are fighting the hobgoblins?
Matt: We wait it out.
Patrick: Yeah, I got no dog in this fight. Wait, that’s not very polite.
Matt: Bosephus Glimguardian Vick.
Josh: [ as a hobgoblin ] “We were trying to free the slaves.”
Patrick: “What are you doing now?”
Slash: Whatcha doin’?
[ Elyse’s cell phone plays “Agent P!” ]
Slash: A platypus in a fedora appears!
Slash: D’Kar and BFG are just going to come up with more things for you to do. “Well, that was good, but we still don’t trust you.”
Patrick: The trash needs to be taken out.
Slash: Someone needs to change Glurp.
Linc: I’ll minor Dragon Breath.
Matt: Well, I’ll major Dragon Breath.
Josh: I’m Colonel Dragon Breath!
Slash: [ after dealing no damage to multiple enemies with an encounter power ] Anybody in the party who speaks elven is shocked at the words that come out of Ganassi’s mouth.
Seven Pillared Hall
Josh: “We were trying to flee when those orcs attacked us.” He coughs up blood and his breathing slows, before finally stopping.
Patrick: Wait, can I heal him? I have a +13 heal check.
Josh: You can try.
Patrick: 27 heal check.
Josh: Okay. Poof, he comes back to life!
Josh: “Thank Kord’s hairy arse that you came along!”
Josh: “Come along and I’ll buy you an ale or four. It’s the best inn…well, the only inn…this side of the labyrinth. My parents run it.”
Patrick: “You had me at ‘ale.’”
Matt: “Actually, you had him at ‘free ale.’”
Patrick: “So Rendall, tell me about this inn. No, tell me about this ale.”
Josh: “It’s exquisite.”
Matt: “It’s filtered through three dwarves.”
Josh: “Four dwarves.”
Patrick: Four Dwarf Ale.
Patrick: I think that’s a bumper sticker. “Mages don’t kill people; their spells do.”
Josh: Their auto-hit magic missiles do.
Elyse: Do gnomes have a problem being underground?
Slash: Eh, maybe. I doubt you have a problem. Mot probably doesn’t even notice she’s underground.
Elyse: Hey! Well, okay.
Elyse: What’s a gnoll?
Josh: It’s like a hyena-man.
Elyse: A honey-man?
Josh: A hyena-man.
Elyse: Hyena-man. That makes a lot more sense than a honey-man.
Linc: 24 bluff. “I’m a merchant, I’m with him.”
Josh: “Fine, get over there, then. But their fee’s higher.”
Elyse: “I don’t want to pay. Ten gold?!? Do you know how many songs I have to sing to make ten gold?”
Slash: “My experience has been that you make more money when you stop singing songs.”
Josh: “As long as you’re in the hall, you can stay for free.”
Patrick: “Can we drink for free?”
Josh: “We’ll see about that.”
Elyse: I offer the kobold a silver piece if he can get rid of that hack halfling that’s singing in the inn.
Josh: “That can be arranged!”
Matt: Did you just hire an assassin?
Josh: A weakling kobold assassin. “Bennik the Wanderer is the greatest bard in the land.”
Elyse: That pisses me off, so I don’t give him the silver piece.
Elyse: I step up to the halfling and say, “You’re going down!”
Josh: He’s finishing up his last song:
They slew the dragon
And returned the mayor’s ring
The Dragon Slayers of Nenlast
Can do anything!
Elyse: “Boo!” I jump up on stage and say, “This is how you do it!” [ plays a song on her iPod ] Oh, I didn’t stop it. How do I stop it?
Matt: Just slam it on the table really hard.
Elyse: [ trying to win over the crowd ] Oh, my diplomacy. I got a 31, so they love me, right?
[ upstairs, one of Matt’s children can be heard yelling “Mommy!” ]
Matt: They start yelling, “Mommy!”
Josh: They’re leaning more toward you than him. He turns to you and says, “You must be the Mot I’ve heard about.”
Elyse: I go outside and give the kobold his silver piece back.
Josh: “Are you one of them?”
Slash: “No, I am not.”
Josh: “Are you sure you’re not one of them?”
Slash: “I’m sure.”
Patrick: But Mot is!
Slash: I point to Mot and say, “But she might be.”
Josh: “I’ll keep an eye on her.”
Josh: “I’m the best guide in the bar.”
Patrick: “In the hall?”
Josh: “Maybe in the hall, but I won’t claim that.”
Patrick: “The hall isn’t that big; how much of a guide can you be?”
Josh: “Well, not for the hall.”
Patrick: “So, we should kidnap the acolytes and hold them for ransom until we can talk to the mages?”
Slash: “Aren’t you a cleric?”
Josh: I don’t even have to do it anymore.
Elyse: “We don’t have, like, accio amulet?”
Slash: “We come from Winterhaven.”
Josh: “Ah, the city to the…west.”
Slash: [ laughing ] It’s hard to keep surface-level geography in your head when you live underground, I guess.
Patrick: The city to the up.
Encounter 3: Chamber of Eyes – Guard Room
Matt: “So, do you assassin much?”
Slash: How are you on hit points?
Linc: …I’m damaged from previous battle.
Slash: How do you feel about fire?
Linc: I don’t resist it like my other character did.
Slash: [ on a streak of good rolls ] Apparently I need to roll it around in my hand more. That’s what she said.
Elyse: Hey, 21!
Elyse: Ha ha!
Elyse: Oh, right, I have damage when I hit.
Slash: You haven’t had to roll anything other than a d20 all day!
Patrick: What do I do now?
Encounter 4: Shrine to Torog
[ the party has found a pool of fresh water ]
Elyse: “Drink it!”
Patrick: [ simultaneously ] “Potty break!”
Elyse: “…before potty break!”
[ discussing how to take some fresh water with us ]
Matt: “Anybody have a bottle?”
Slash: “I have a Bag of Holding that doesn’t have anything in it.”
Josh: How much does a gallon of water weigh?
Patrick: About eight pounds.
Josh: You put 25 gallons of water in the bag of holding.
Slash: “I have 25 gallons of water in my pocket.”
Patrick: “So when you set us on fire….”
Josh: That is a Beholder Gauth.
Slash: [ hearing “goth” ] It’s wearing black mascara.
Elyse: It’s crying.
Slash: [ rolls initiative ] Ugh.
Patrick: Your rolls can’t get much worse.
Slash: You know what? 25.
Patrick: Excellent use of a Christmas crit.
Slash: Aecris is going to be very happy. Although, I guess you already got your point of concordance today for that.
Matt: That’s not a bad idea. Let’s go back and take a nap.
Slash: Oh, look, devils. See you tomorrow!
Linc: Does 11 work for you?
Elyse: I can’t remember its name.
Slash: It’s an Abyssal Maw .
Patrick: It’s a three-letter word!
Slash: [ explaining Stirring Shout ] Beat on the beholder and feel better about it.
Matt: Consider him [divine] challenged.
Josh: “Derrrr, hammer!”
[ as the beholder summons some thralls ]
Matt: “Listen! Did you feel that?”
Patrick: “It’s a warming sensation.”
Slash: “No, BFG, that’s just you.”
Slash: [ rolling ] For frak’s sake! [ rolling again ]
[ laughter ]
Josh: Was that a crit?
Slash: No, a natural 1. The net effect of my turn is that I’ve spent an action point.
Josh: Okay, the beholder….
Slash: [ rolling auto-damage from Flaming Sphere ] The only damage I get to do this encounter is auto-damage.
Elyse: I’m going to attempt to Eyebite the beholder.
Slash: Eye vs. eye!
Josh: You see like 15 eye stalks swivel around to look at you.
Matt: Trying my best not to fill my armor with a…“holy crap” moment…oh, I can’t do that, it’s a ranged [attack].
Slash: D’kar has a ranged attack?
Matt: Sign of Vulnerability. [ acts vulnerable ]
Slash: I think it’s supposed to be his vulnerability.
[ D’kar has failed to save against falling unconscious ]
Matt: After dealing, like, 60 points of damage, I fall asleep.
Slash: I imagine a big smile on his face. Maybe his arms and legs are twitching.
Patrick: Aw, he’s dreaming.
Elyse: Does he spin in circles and then run into a wall?
Slash: Bizkit, the Dragonborn Paladin of Bahamut!
Slash: You could heal Scarab for 3000 HP with one of your Healing Words.
Patrick: That’s a minor action. I’ll get to that.
Slash: BFG’s my favorite healer. Healing is the last thing on his mind.
Matt: Was I out long enough to get all my dailies back?
Matt: [ being healed ] 29.
Josh: 29 healing?
Slash: It’s 10 + 1d6 + a surge, and he’s the tank, so….
Josh: See, you guys are like, “We’re almost dead.” No, you’re not!
Patrick: If you mark him and attack the beholder, and he opportunity attacks you, do you get to smack him?
Matt: Yeeeaaahh…if I’m following all your pronouns in there, I think so.
Linc: How’d you get 19 out of a 3?
Josh: Well, it was 9, so I said “19” but when I looked again it was a 3. Because Slash tipped the die.
Slash: Yeah, using my power of sucky die rolls.
Matt: Everything’s a 3!
Slash: 25! Hits his AC. 1d8+2 damage…10! My best attack yet has been a melee basic attack.
Patrick: I’m not bloodied yet, and I will not hold it against you if you light me on fire.
Slash: Okay! [ after hitting four enemies ] I didn’t think this through; I have to target a good number of people in the room, too. On my maw… [ rolls ] Crit! Be thankful that that wasn’t—hold on, do I take damage when my summoned creature dies? I lose a healing surge. Mot: 18 vs. Reflex.
Slash: 15 fire damage. Glurp: 11 vs. Reflex is a miss. And that’s it.
Patrick: You didn’t roll against me. You should’ve rolled a 4 against me.
Slash: [ rolls ] I critted.
Patrick: You critted against me?
Slash: At least my dice are working again.
Patrick: How much damage do I take?
Slash: Well, let’s see, 17, plus a bonus d6 of fire….
Patrick: You critted against me!
Slash: [ rolls ]
Patrick: You critted your dice roll! I’m at 9 hit points!
Josh: You want to try something else? You can magic missile him twice!
Matt: Let the audio show BFG asked for it.
Patrick: Considering how he was rolling before, I thought I was safe!
Chamber of Eyes Wrap-up
Josh: Okay, that whole thing was worth six experience apiece.
Return to the Seven-Pillared Hall
Josh: [ proposing a contest of bardic song, wit, and knowledge with Mot ] “What say you?”
Elyse: “You’re going down! Bee-yotch!”
Josh: “I will let it be lady’s choice—and ignore the bee-yotch—as to our first challenge.”
Matt: I got a 25 Intimidate to assist.
Slash: D’kar sees someone nearby not clapping and roars at him.
Josh: [ puts on A Bard Song on his computer while we look at him expectantly ] I’m not singing.
Josh: You see two rat-men and some fire beetles doing a fire show of some sort. “Welcome to the Darano’s Fire Show!”
Linc: [ from the shadows with a high Stealth ] “The mages may not care for Brugg and may assist us in getting rid of him.”
Slash: “That’s true. That is an excellent point,” says Ganassi after he recovers from the shock of you appearing from freaking nowhere to make that suggestion.
Linc: I say it from behind you.
Josh: He pops out of your shadow.
Slash: Ganassi jumps and involuntarily fey steps over there. “Don’t do that!”
Matt: That would be a great time to roll to see if his clothes go with him.
Josh: You get there a second before your robe does.
Josh: Did you show him a mirror shard last time?
Slash: Yeah, I think I flashed one.
Elyse: You flashed him?
Matt: Actually, he fey stepped.
Josh: He knows enough about them then; he doesn’t need to see it again.
Patrick: “No, no! That was enough.”
Slash: “I’ve seen all that I need to see!”
Josh: You see a drow behind the counter. “Welcome to my emporium of relics.” He looks over and sees Ganassi. “Ooo, an eladrin. Oh, my!”
Elyse: Is he gay?
Josh: He’s Captain Sulu for Ganassi. “What can I do for you?”
Slash: Up until that point, I was going to say that Ganassi keeps one hand on his sword, but now….
Patrick: He’s got impeccable—
Josh: Oh, my!
Slash: [ returning from upstairs ] Did we kill the drow?
Patrick: You’re not going to like what we got you into.
Slash: Oh, no.
Josh: Ganassi comes out of his bedroom—just kidding.
Patrick: Who knew you were such a good dancer.
Elyse: [ air quotes ] “Dancer.”
Josh: He’s a good drow!
Slash: “Good drow” is an oxymoron!
Josh: You’ve read about Drizzt.
Slash: I have read about Drizzt, but he doesn’t exist in this setting.
Encounter 5: Horned Hold – Portcullis
Josh: [ reacting to a high dice roll ] You killed it.
Patrick: So the screamer is dead?
Slash: You killed the roll, not the creature.
Patrick: Don’t tease me like that!
Josh: [ in heavy accent ] “Get out!”
Slash: He’s the ghost of Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Matt: [ in heavy accent ] “I came back.”
Slash: You can only hit him on a roll of natural 21 or higher.
Encounter 6: Horned Hold – Workshop
Josh: Okay! Pre—why do I say that?
Slash: Every time! “Okay!”
Josh: Every time!
Slash: I won’t be touching Gendar’s rod when we find it. Just to clarify.
Slash: I haven’t used any surges yet today; I’m only down by 5.
Patrick: “That’s because you nuked me!”
Slash: “That was yesterday!”
Linc: I’ve used one surge.
Slash: That surge was probably Patrick’s fault, as long as we’re pointing fingers at allies hurting allies.
[ upon finding ancient minotaur corpses ]
Elyse: Do they smell like steak?
Slash: You’re a vegetarian!
Josh: Maybe she likes minotaur meat; that’s her weakness!
Slash: I try to stick to a vegetarian diet, but when I smell ancient minotaur meat, I just can’t help myself!
Patrick: Dungeoneering to check the rug.
Josh: Well, [Scarab] is already standing on it, so….
Patrick: I understand that….
Slash: But [BFG]’s not!
Matt: Is the sword directional enough that I can…? [ waves it around ]
Josh: It’s all around you at this point. Glurp is waving his sword around too.
Slash: I just didn’t recognize the first word. “Acaman?” It’s Aquaman!
Kaelyn: [ babbles ]
Matt: I think she just said, “Kill them, Mom!”
Patrick: I don’t know if the guy next to me is undead.
Slash: He’s a corpse. What kind of cleric are you?!?
Elyse: Y’know, this isn’t the first time you’ve decided “I’ll go [in the middle of the room].”
Slash: I’m an adventurer!
Matt: Not a very bright one!
Elyse (simultaneously): A stupid one!
Josh: You take 5 damage from the thing at the start of your turn.
Matt: What kind of damage?
Josh: Oh, fire, and you don’t take fire.
Matt: Glad I asked.
Josh: No, wait, it’s necrotic.
Matt: I don’t take necrotic either.
Slash: No wait, it’s…uh…lightning!
Josh: It’s D’kar-piercing damage. I don’t know where that came from.
Slash: So weird that’s in the published module….
[ referring to improving his artifact’s concordance score ]
Matt: By the way, I need to kill something undead today.
Linc: Stay away from me!
Elyse: Ganassi can have some healing.
Slash: Ganassi grudgingly accepts.
Josh: Even though he’s secretly happy to take it.
Patrick: “They’re in the wrong position. Why are they in the wrong position? I pray about it every night.”
Josh: You didn’t pray hard enough, my son.
Slash: Maybe you should try praying to Bahamut again!
Matt: Damage is d6+1, I think.
Patrick: [ joking ] d12, isn’t it?
Matt: Six rounds ago the DM said, “Nobody checked!”
Slash: We just started round three, but okay.
Josh: The big guy is going to continue to pound on the wizard….
Slash: [ before he rolls ] Hit!
Josh: 20 vs. AC.
Slash: Yeah, that’s a hit.
Slash: Oh yeah, I guess I could do that!
Elyse: I’ll use my last healing on you.
Slash: The healing is all up to you now, cleric.
Matt: D’kar [the paladin] isn’t going to heal you, then. He’s offended you think the cleric is the only left who can heal.
Patrick: “I’m going to attack with _Pelor_’s radiance.”
Matt: “So it’s going to miss.”
Slash: Ganassi turns to the two of you and says, “Hey guys, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re in a bit of a situation here.”
Slash: 16 Religion.
Josh: Are you next to a forge?
Josh: Then you have no idea what that would do to one.
Slash: I just think about religion.
Josh: “Where have I gone wrong?”
Josh: [ rolling for Glurp against an undead creature ] Crit! Unfortunately, he has no extra bonus.
Slash: He’s wielding a rusted short sword.
Josh: No, actually, it’s a Lifedrinker Short Sword.
Slash: Well, then it’s +1d6 on a crit, if it’s a magic sword.
Josh: 16…. [ rolls ] 17 damage.
Slash: Oh wait, it’s a Lifedrinker Short Sword? Then that one point is necrotic.
[ after Ganassi is knocked unconscious ]
Matt: So the answer to our previous poser is that it was probably better if I had distracted the big guy.
Slash: Yeah. But it—yeah.
Matt: Rather than stack damage.
Elyse: You can’t answer that, because you’re unconscious.
Slash: I can answer it. [ pointing to my mini ] He can’t.
Matt: “It’s a shame that all we have left is the cleric to heal.”
Patrick: I heal Glurp for 6 hit points.
Patrick: Holy Healer’s Morningstar.
Slash: “Be healed!” POOOOOONG!
Josh: “Ow! Ahhh….”
Josh: As you rest, Scarab’s eyes turn black and he floats slightly into the air. A strong female voice comes from him as he says, “You have done well, my dark assassin. You are worthy of the boon I have for you.”
Linc: I sucked.
Josh: Apparently she wasn’t paying that close attention.
Encounter 7: Horned Hold – Bridge to the Great Hall
[ laughter ]
Josh: He’s going to…well, he has a weapon in each hand, so stab or shoot whatever shows itself.
Slash: I see him throwing his sword and trying to stab someone with his crossbow.
Josh: “I got confused!”
Josh: He goes splorch.
Patrick: Is that four or three?
Josh: [ looking at the token Patrick has picked up ] That’s a four.
Patrick: I understand that….
Josh: Oh, what do you mean? I’m damaging four, so let’s make it that one.
Slash: “Spiders remind me of drow.”
Elyse: “What doesn’t remind you of drow?”
Elyse: Take four temporary hit points…
Elyse: Three! Three temporary hit—why can’t you just let it be four?
Slash: Because it’s wrong! Someone on the Internet is wrong.
Josh: Do you want to pray really hard, take some damage, and become un-stunned?
Patrick: [ fake whisper ] Pelor is more gracious!
Slash: All my stuff is area of effect, which doesn’t work too well on the bridge.
Patrick: Welcome to room 8.
Slash: Yeah, Muckenfuss had some issues as a controller in a hallway too. You’ll notice there are no more hallways in that campaign.
Patrick: BFG appreciates it. No, wait, Muckenfuss appreciates it.
Slash: Muckenfuss says that BFG appreciates it, and no one knows what he’s talking about.
Patrick: Muckenfuss moves BFG’s lips.
Patrick: It is radiant 8 vulnerable!
Josh: How long?
Matt: Um, for a while?
Josh: Shh! Dammit, shh! Pit! You’re off the side of the bridge!
Slash: There’s a sudden gust of wind. “We’re underground!”
Josh: The bridge tilts. Upside down. And only D’kar falls off.
Elyse: You put vulnerability 8 radiant on D’kar.
Elyse: And you spelled “radiant” wrong again.
Josh: Shh! Mot’s in a pit, too!
Slash: That was a proper encounter, because I took no damage.
Slash: How many treasure chests are on the bridge?
Josh: None. How about you check under the bridge?
Encounter 8: Horned Hold – Great Hall
Matt: 17 random skill check to see if the room has anything else to tell us.
Slash: 17 Streetwise!
Josh: D’kar sees the rest of the kitchen.
Matt: “I seize the rest of the kitchen! It’s mine now.”
Slash: Oh frak! A beholder and a mind flayer. Ganassi’s out: peace!
Matt: Well, technically, Scarab’s the only one who’s seen all of this.
Linc: “It’s safe; come on in!”
Josh: Okay, I’ve had my fun. You guys all notice that these monsters are stuffed and mounted.
Josh: Two more spiders of a type you’re familiar with…
Matt: Nature check! [ rolls ] I still failed it, and I knew what they were!
Josh: You’re giving him radiant 5 vulnerability?
Patrick: As a benefit of being in my presence, yes.
Slash: I put that item on my wishlist.
Patrick: You put that enema on your wishlist?
Slash: I’m not sitting that far from you!
Josh: Now you’re probably five or ten XP away from level 6!
Patrick: I five find…five…find five experience points in the mounted monsters.
Josh: 280 XP.
Slash: We are 17 XP away from level 6.
Elyse: Can we kill Glurp?
Josh: Everyone wants to kill Glurp! “You guys are such bastards!”
Slash: We are working our way through the back door, which Gendar knows all about.
Josh: He’s an expert in back doors!
Matt: 11 Insight on the DM to see if there’s anything left to find.
Josh: Save [the audio file]! You find a “save” button.
Encounter 9: Horned Hold – Western Guard Post
[ after what sounds very much like an argument ]
Matt: No, I’m not arguing with you.
Patrick: We get 17 XP from breaking down the door.
Slash: And then we turn around, run away, rest, and level up.
Linc: [ to Matt ] Can you pick a lock?
Josh: He’s a paladin!
Patrick: Move me up behind Mot, and…I…cheer you on? I can’t get in, so… “Rah rah, team!”
Slash: I bet you the arbalester is immune to poison, so I’d go for something else.
Linc: Even if the arbalester is immune, I still go through it.
Slash: Well, you pierce resistance; immunity is not resistance.
Linc: I do both. “Ignore poison immunity and resistance.”
Slash: Wow. That’s a bizarre trait. “I can make this pile of wood poisoned!”
Patrick: I will place my spiritual weapon…
Josh: What kind of weapon is it?
Patrick: It’s a bazooka.
Slash: Is this a conjuration that you wave around?
Patrick: Oh, I’ll wave it around.
Josh: The divine light of Bahamut takes it down.
Patrick: Oh, sure.
Matt: My god just auto-kills.
Slash: I’ve got an Abyssal Maw that I could whip out.
Elyse: Stop whipping things out.
Slash: I’ve also got a Macetail Behemoth that I might whip out.
Elyse: Once again, stop whipping things out!
Slash: There’s also a dragonling between my legs that I could—
Elyse: If you whip out one more thing….
Slash: The magical duergar is holding the staff Gendar wanted us to retrieve.
Elyse: We assume.
Slash: Well, it’s a skull-tipped staff that looks like the one Gendar described.
Josh: It’s rainbow-colored.
Slash: [ tosses glasses on table ]
Elyse: Are you okay?
Slash: I moved my Maw there to flank with D’kar, but I didn’t realize…my sphere will kill it when my turn starts!
Elyse: You realize that my automatic reaction to you doing this [ tosses glasses on table ] is to think you’re mad at me?
Matt: Now you know that it’s not a reaction to you doing something stupid, but something stupid being done.
Slash: My glasses are constantly getting thrown around at work.
Josh: The spiritual bazooka that moves around.
Elyse: That’s what she said.
Josh: That’s what—what? That doesn’t make any sense! It doesn’t always work, people!
Slash: Sometimes that’s the funniest times, though!
Patrick: I’m sorry your Maw is going to go away, but….
Slash: Well, it’s my own dumb fault!
Elyse: Why’s is your fault?
Slash: Because I summoned it next to my flame sphere. Didn’t I just explain this to you?
Elyse: Yes you did. Shh! Shh! Shh! Why did you summon it there?
Slash: Because it’s flanking with D’kar!
Elyse: How did I miss this conversation?
Slash: I don’t know, because we just had it two minutes ago!
Elyse: I think I heard it. It’s vaguely remembering in my head. Is that when you threw your glasses?
Slash: That was the whole point of the conversation!
Josh: [ mistyping a status effect ] Slowed and daved!
Slash: Would you be mad if I put [the flame sphere] next to you?
Linc: [ sarcastically ] No, not at all! It’ll keep me warm!
Matt: The stuff that you bring into this world is so much more powerful than you today.
Slash: Today. Apparently I summoned a much better Maw this time.
[ at the end of the encounter ]
Matt: And we’re still two points shy of level 6.
Horned Hold – Exploration
Josh: If D’Kar’s sword is still out…
Josh: …it provides bright light in a radius of 5.
Elyse: “Stick your sword in!” [ realizing the innuendo ] No, I didn’t.
Slash: Good call.
Josh: You see a symbol. [ shows around a picture from the Rules
Compendium ] Anybody who can make a religion check would know that’s the
symbol of Asmodeus.
Slash: Or anybody who could see around your hand in the Rules Compendium.
Elyse: “Did we bring a priest?”
Slash: “We have a cleric. I understand why you would have forgotten, though, as he never acts like one.”
Slash: I’m standing next to D’Kar. I look at the statue, look at D’Kar, and
[ nudge nudge ].
Matt: I brush away the fly bothering me and [ rolls ] actually perceive
Slash: So it’s like a Supernal kind of thing?
Josh: More like Abyssal.
Matt: A vacuum can do that?
Encounter 10: Horned Hold – The Slave Pits
Slash: Scarab, one action please. Your action should be: move.
Slash: Do you yell “yee-haw” when the noose comes out?
Slash: Does your Horned Helm deal 1d6 additional damage, or just 1d6 damage on a charge?
Matt: It just says 1d6.
Josh: Do it.
Josh: …on a d6?
Slash: You were about to accept it, too.
Josh: I haven’t had enough amaretto sour yet for that.
Slash: “Free the other slaves!”
Elyse: It’s my turn.
Slash: It’s a free action to talk!
Elyse: Your free actions suck! How about Thunder’s Calling?
Slash: I love how you complain my free actions suck, then immediately use a power that lets me use a free action to automatically deal 8 damage to somebody.
Elyse: Well…that one’s all right.
Josh: The freed slave… [ rolls ] …actually manages to save somebody. He’s like, “Wow, that was a lot easier than I thought. Why didn’t we escape ages ago?”
Slash: I’ll do Burning Hands over the top of the pit.
Josh: Oh, so you won’t hit anybody. You’ll just suck out all the oxygen.
Matt: The other pit calls out, “Don’t ‘save’ us, we like being slaves!”
Elyse: Who’s the start of the round?
Matt: Is it possible…
Slash: I wonder if there’s a way I can add a marker to the combat manager.
Matt: [ laughs ]
Slash: Were you just about to ask me that?
Slash: Yeah, I hacked that into the old source code.
Matt: You should make a bigger deal out of it. It was really hard; I saw the code.
Elyse: All I heard was, “it was really hard.”
Josh: Plus 5, plus 2d6.
Slash: I will roll my 2d6. [ rolls ] 8. So…25. I think that’s probably enough to get me to full.
Josh: You’re two short. And funny-looking.
Josh: All you find are a bunch of slaves, all but two of which are still tied up.
Matt: Do they have any loot?
Josh: Yeah, the duergar gave all the slaves huge sacks of loot.
Josh: Glurp looks into the pit and spots a fellow goblin. “Slurp!” It’s his cousin.
Encounter 11: Horned Hold – Murkelmor’s Chamber
Josh: One of the slaves walks up to you and introduces himself as…
Slash: Bob the Slave.
Josh: No, they actually have names!
Josh: There’s a young, attractive woman by the bed.
Elyse: “Hands off!”
Slash: “Jealous, Mot?”
Elyse: “No. I have to protect us women from you men.”
Matt: 27 Perception focused on one particular spot.
Patrick: “I have to cleanse her.”
Matt: “And then I’ll have to purify her.”
Josh: “I think I’ll sell the lot of you to mind flayers for their feast.”
Matt: “Ha, we don’t have any minds for them to feast on! Wait.”
Slash: “D’Kar, we must work on your retorts!”
Josh: You think she looks extra cute, and devil-y. [ reveals succubus token ]
Elyse: Look at those boobs! They’re not realistic at all.
Josh: She had to make a devil’s bargain to get those things.
Josh: She leans down to kiss D’Kar [ rolls ] and misses again.
Patrick: He is so virtuous! He needs to loosen up.
Josh: I spelled radiant right for Solar Enemy.
Slash: Probably spelled “solar” wrong. I spelled it right for Solir Enemy!
Slash: Solir Enmy. Solir Enmey.
Josh: The stone splinters.
Slash: That’s impressive. It’s not easy to get stone to splinter.
Josh: One of the shards flies off and hits Ganassi for…41.5 damage.
Elyse: Let’s do Vicious Mockery against the succubus.
Matt: “Those aren’t real!”
Slash: It’s super-effective.
Josh: She looks at Mot and says, “Gnome bitch!” She hits you….
Matt: She’s at -2!
Josh: Oh, just misses, then. She was totally going to make you walk into the fire.
Slash: BFG wants to use his Lance [of Faith] on the succubus; you can’t fool us!
[ after D’kar takes down the succubus ]
Patrick: Can we take trophies?
Matt: “Those aren’t kidneys!”
Encounter 12: Horned Hold – Main Guard Post
A troll picks up Ganassi and tries to hit D’kar with him, but fails to do so.
Matt: “This is the second time I didn’t feel a hit from Ganassi.”
Slash: “This one was not my fault!”
Elyse: [ talking to the microphone directly ] Hey Matt, put an asterix next to Mot; she’s had lots of assists.
Josh: And pick up some milk.
Slash: I could listen to the audio at any given moment and that would probably be good advice.
Elyse: And the produce!
Elyse: It’s not so funny when you’re explain-ding it.
Slash: [ moves to take her alcohol away ]
Elyse: DON’T YOU DARE!
Matt: You need to be healed again? “Someone throw a fruit at the back of his head!”
Slash: “I don’t think it heals on contact, D’kar.”
Encounter 13: Arrest
Josh: You enter town and take the whole group to the stables.
Slash: We’re going to stable the slaves?
Matt: How much do we get for these slaves?
Josh: You return the scepter?
Slash: I watch them return the scepter from a safe distance.
Josh: You find Gendar polishing a number of long staffs as you enter.
Slash: Let’s just get arrested, have an extended rest, and bust out.
Elyse: But they’re going to take all of our stuff.
Slash: Yeah, but—look, in any kind of RPG jail scenario, they take all your stuff and put it in a chest right outside the jail cell. Besides, I can do magic without my stuff.
Josh: That auto-hits. [ coughs “bullshit” ]
Slash: That’s a very nice Magic Missile you have there. It’d be a shame if someone errataed it.
Linc: Is there a window on the side I can jump through?
Slash: Look, our arrest is a cutscene. There are no quick-time events during this scene.
Josh: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Josh: [ as Glurp, as we’re teleporting away from Brugg ] “I’m going to keep stabbing you until I find your neck, you bastard. Oh, he’s not there anymore.”
Josh: Dominating the room is a round wooden table. Sitting at its head surrounded by 6 empty chairs is the—
Slash: [ laughing ] I’m sorry. “It’s a round wooden table…. At its head….”
Josh: “As you can see, I am the last remaining mage of Saruun.”
Slash: “What happened to the other ones?”
Josh: You’ll find out as he explains.
Slash: I just said that to him. That was Ganassi speaking, in shock!
Road of Shadows
Josh: You wake up.
Slash: Thank God! The way things have been going lately….
Matt: [ referring to the picture Josh has chosen for this NPC ] He’s looking at me squirrelly-like.
Patrick: That’s because he’s missing an eye!
Matt: No matter where I move his eye follows me!
Patrick: I have a 24 passive insight.
Josh: You know he’s telling the truth.
Matt: Yeah, but now the question is, do we trust BFG?
Patrick: “I will desecrate it.”
Josh: D’kar takes off his glasses and rubs his nose.
Elyse: Oh no, what did I do?
Encounter 14: Shadow Vortex
Elyse: [ looking for initiative in iPlay4e ] I forget how to do this.
Patrick: You roll dice.
Elyse: Oh, I have dice, too!
Patrick: Do we have 1 action point?
Josh: Yes. It’s like a brand-new character.
Matt: But you get to keep your kidneys.
Elyse: I think they’re getting kind of stinky by now.
Slash: I think Glurp may have eaten them on the way here from Winterhaven.
Josh: “I got hungry, ya bastard!”
Patrick: “If you’d feed me….”
Patrick: One ally I see gets combat advantage, and I give that to D’kar.
Matt: I delay my previous turn so that bonus can be applied now to my Hold Fast attack, which I’ve already rolled, so we just need to add the +2….
Josh: [ laughs ]
Slash: A worthy effort, my friend.
Matt: I believe Abjure Undead is a cleric power.
Slash: It’s from avengers.
Matt: Which one? I like Thor.
Josh: [ as Glurp misses ] “He’s not big enough!”
Patrick: “He’s a dragon!”
Elyse: [ rolling a crappy heal check ] 15.
Josh: He looks slightly better. He looks at you, then looks at BFG….
Josh: He lands safely in….
Patrick: The lava?
Slash: There was no lava before; don’t give him any ideas!
Josh: This whole time, Glurp’s been lining up his shot. 12…plus 13 vs AC is a hit. 15 damage.
[ The dragon dies. ]
Slash: He kill-steals!
Josh: “I told you guys; dragons are my bitch!”
Patrick: One, we need experience, and two, we need to loot this guy’s corpse—body….
Josh: There are more like 50 of the bronze warders all throughout this chamber.
Slash: “I’m sure if we target one, the rest will take notice and attack. I mean, I’ll survive, but the rest of you….”
Patrick: “Your cloak will survive.”
Slash: “I don’t have that cloak any more. Too soon, BFG. Too soon.”
Josh: Maybe if one of you were to pray to your god.
Matt: I’ve got a +8.
Patrick: I’ve got a +8.
Josh: 1, 2, 3, roll!
Linc: It’s a god roll-off.
Patrick: I got a 24.
Matt: [ rolls poorly ]
Josh: The divine light of Pelor shines forth.
Matt: Just where is that light coming from?
Slash: Based on the nature of the contest and the nature of BFG, I suspect BFG’s crotch.
Josh: You rescue the mage.
Slash: We continue in this fashion; I use magic to bring them down, BFG shines his crotch around….
Patrick: And everybody’s happy!
Josh: One of the duergar brought Paldemar two shiny objects. He was very happy to see them. He threw them into the pool, and then he threw the duergar in, too.
Slash: [ after BFG receives a new magic cloak ] “Sure would suck if someone were to tear it off of you and rip it up.”
Well of Demons
Josh: [ reading from the adventure’s flavor text ] “You see a large, square chamber dominated by two minotaur statues. Between them is a metal double door shimmering with some kind of magic ins—some kind of magic.” Stupid tiny period.
Josh: Get your pencil ready. You have one minute [ pulls out a printed maze ] to solve this maze.
Josh: You see Ganassi just standing there; he’s navigating a magical maze in his mind.
Patrick: His eyes are spinning in opposite directions.
Josh: A giant illusory boulder flies at D’kar, and he’s holding it in the air.
Slash: “D’kar, why are you ‘raising the roof’?”
Josh: “Seekers of Baphomet are very devoted followers. Who among you is the most devoted to their god?”
Patrick: Uh oh! I won the last one.
Slash: “Who’s the most faithful? I’m going with D’kar!”
Patrick: [ rolls ] 17.
Slash: Yeah, the dice know what’s going on.
Josh: The statues shoot streams of blood at you. Check your Reflex.
Matt: Reflex? More like reflux.
Patrick: Maybe you should roll.
Slash: Hey, I’m the most intelligent member of this group, and I said, “I’m going with D’kar.” And then you rolled.
Patrick: He wouldn’t roll!
Matt: “I was trying to prove a point; I believe it’s been proven.”
Slash: BFG’s being tempted by evil, talk him down. It’s not a long road.
Josh: You resist.
Josh: The statues say, “You are…mostly…worthy to enter.”
Encounter 15: Shrine to Baphomet
Matt: You reroll 1s?
Linc: I reroll all 1s, yes.
Matt: So if I get a one, I can just go, “reroll this”?
Josh: Just hand him the die.
Slash: Wouldn’t that be nice?
Matt: I’ll sneak up there and get all in that.
Josh: Get all up ins.
Slash: “You have a book we need. Hand it over!”
Josh: “I will feast on your brain, eladrin!”
Patrick: “There’s not much there.”
Matt: Ooo…. Who passed his skill check?
Slash: A lemon fire damage. A lemon? Eleven.
Josh: It’s a burning lemon!
Josh: It burns, and it tastes good!
Josh: Are you done? Sucking?
Patrick: Yes. Oh wait, I’m not.
Slash: So I yell, “Give us the book” in Common and he responds in Giant? Awesome. I say, “I never bothered learning that useless language.”
Elyse: In Elven.
Josh: Mot takes 23 damage. And another 23 for being on your phone.
Elyse: I’ll do a Healing Word on myself.
Slash: You have Majestic Words; BFG has Healing Words.
Elyse: Whatever. I touch myself.
Slash: Wow. There’s no touching involved; you sing.
Elyse: I’m that good.
Slash: [ snaps fingers in front of spaced-out Elyse ]
Elyse: I’m back.
Slash: I love that your response is, “I’m back.”
Elyse: Because I was gone.
Matt: [ as Linc places a ring on BFG ] I thought you were putting a shroud on him.
Josh: This is for all the times you’ve targeted me!
Elyse: You look like you’re pooping.
Josh: Gaze of Constipation.
Patrick: Stop! I’m concentrating!
Matt: That’s what that look was saying, yes.
Slash: Well, you lived in a tree with rabbits.
Patrick: I was raised by ocelots!
Josh: It is a treatise on the cult of Baphomet.
Slash: So it’s scholarly, not of any interest in an arcane sense.
Patrick: You should probably give that to me.
Slash: Mmm, nope.
Slash: I give Glurp my two silver pieces.
Josh: “Thank ye, ye cheap bastard.”
Encounter 16: Hall of Enforced Introspection
Josh: This is the statuary.
Matt: You know you’ve got money if you’ve got a statuary.
Slash: “Oh yeah, this is just where we store the statues. No big deal.”
Slash: 17 Arcana on the red pool.
Josh: It’s red.
Slash: 20 Arcana on the green pool.
Josh: It’s green.
Slash: 25 Arcana on the blue pool.
Josh: This pool has no effect; it’s just blue.
Slash: Oh for frak’s sake….
Josh: The one you succeed on and it does nothing.
Matt: What are we listening for?
Josh: Anything beyond the mirrors. I mean curtains.
Slash: Yeah, like mirrors!
Patrick: I hear mirrors!
Matt: Give me sight beyond sight!
Slash: Oh my gosh, that would make an awesome artifact. [ to the microphone ] That would make an awesome artifact. There, now it’s an audio clue.
Josh: In the mirror, Scarab sees the image of….
Slash: 17 Arcana? I crap a 17 Arcana. [ rolls ] 18! I should know better by now.
Josh: Mot, what are you going to do?
Elyse: Pee my pants.
Matt: So you’re marking him?
Slash: All of your stuff is about boosting your party, and you’ve been separated from your party.
Elyse: Well, fuckity fuck.
Patrick: Oh, he really crit.
Elyse: He was scared. He had to crit.
Slash: You scared the crit out of him!
Slash: Just do what you think BFG would do.
Matt: Oh, he would’ve left a long time ago.
Josh: And then switched gods.
Elyse: You want me to restrain him?
Patrick: I do.
Elyse: I give him a big hug. 12!
Slash: Plus half-level, 15!
Josh: You grab the orc! Glurp’s like, “Mot, this is not the time for orc love!”
Josh: He somehow decides to ignore Mot and attacks Glurp with his spear.
Slash: Mot grabs his balls and his reaction is to spear Glurp…?
Josh: “Ow! I’m going to cut that thing off!”
Elyse: Can I do anything while I’ve got him grabbed?
Encounter 17: Hall of Crimson Whip
Slash: Does this enemy’s attack target creatures or enemies?
Slash: Yay! I’m taking out the demons!
Josh: Your mere presence is awesome.
Josh: The whip sparks across your shield. Do you grab it and swing to the middle platform? That’s how the barbarian chick did it in the British DM’s podcast. Of course, the barbarian is his wife, so….
Matt: That’s just good DMing, right there.
Slash: It’s a +3 dagger? That’s the most powerful magic item I’ve ever touched.
Patrick: That’s what she said.
Slash: I was waiting for someone to jump on that.
Josh: Jump on your dagger?
Slash: I’m going to minor switch to the dagger. Let’s see…I only need a 7 or better. [ rolls ] Awww, a six. That sucks. Now I have to save against bloodlust. [ rolls ] “BLAAAAAAAGH!”
Josh: That’s the most emotion you’ve seen out of Ganassi ever, and you are scared.
Matt: “Ganassi, do you want to be healed?”
Slash: … “BLAAAAAAAAAAGH!”
Patrick: We level up!
Slash: Maybe. We need 278.
Slash: Yeah, probably.
Slash: Are you serious?
Josh: Yeah, it was 1350.
Patrick: We kill Glurp.
Encounter 18: Hall of the Howling Pillars
Josh: I don’t know what the giant package is in the center of the table, but….
Matt: [ opening it ] Triple sec! Now we just need to find something to make with it.
Elyse: Just pour it in!
Slash: Yeah, what do you mean, “make with it”?
Matt: Thank you, Santa.
Josh: Santa, you lush.
Josh: Ganassi used his powers of teleportation to retrieve the dagger—
Slash: And then ran out.
Matt: And by ran out, you mean D’kar’s legs ran you out.
Slash: There’s that, too. I meant I ran out of teleportation spells.
Slash: We could send sacrificial Glurp up.
Josh: “Screw you, Blinky.”
Slash: I bat at the tassel on his hat.
Josh: “Don’t touch that! You don’t know where it’s been.”
Josh: Ganassi has the bell, and several angry monsters are bearing down on him.
Matt: I charge out the door.
Matt: Until the end of my next turn, I have +2 to my defenses against fear and necrotic attacks. [ realizing there won’t be any of that type ] Force? Thunder? Lightning?
Slash: Fire? Normal? Untyped?
Josh: Punch damage. Whether I’m drinking it or they’re hitting me….
Slash: Aecris is like, “eh….”
Matt: Listen here, you….
Slash: That’s when you plant the sword in the ground and say, “You fight then,” and walk off.
Patrick: I will divine glow. Divine glow shines down from heaven.
Slash: And we don’t see it, because we’re underground.
Josh: Some farmer above you is looking up, confused.
Slash: And my familiar re-enters passive mode.
Patrick: Between your legs.
Slash: It’s never passive while it’s between my legs!
Matt: [ directly into mic ] At 52 minutes, remove that statement. Of course, putting that on the audio is kind of pointless.
Josh: As soon as the door shuts, you hear some kind of whooshing sound, and you assume that Baphomet set everything in there on fire.
Patrick: He’s starting over!
Josh: Including the 500 gold that was in there.
Patrick: I assume we get experience.
Slash: Those burned up too.
Encounter 19: Proving Grounds
Elyse: You handed the bell to me so I’d get the spikes out of the handle.
Josh: Oh, it is magical. Do you grab the handle?
Elyse: [Does Ganassi] tell me not to?
Slash: I was assuming the spikes had just stayed out. I don’t think I would’ve told you, no.
Elyse: And I would’ve grabbed it.
Josh: Spikes shoot out, and you take nine damage. A clapper appears inside; do you ring the bell?
Elyse: [sheepish] I do. I do!
Josh: The creature that rang the bell and all within 5 squares fly into a fit of rage until the end of the ringer’s next turn. So for six seconds, you’re all “BLAAARRRGGH!”
Elyse: I totally want to do it again.
Josh: A doom sphere, which was supposed to be a giant d20 but I forgot, drops into this area. Thankfully, Ian provided me with this. It’s an evil bakery.
Josh: There is a mean-looking bakery bearing down on you.
Matt: I’m definitely hungry….
Elyse: [regarding the picture linked above] He looks like he’s in charge of the bakery!
Matt: I’m attracted to the skeletons on the ground there.
Slash: You’re a necrophiliac?
Josh: I like ’em skinny.
Patrick: Something un-clerical is about to occur.
Matt: So in BFG’s character, then.
Patrick: I turn to Mot and say, “I just have to be faster than you.”
Slash: It’s a standard action to ready an action, even if it’s a minor action that you’re readying.
Josh: My head hurts.
Slash: Action action action action, action action action action action action.
Elyse: And, action!
Slash: “How much do I like Glurp? How much do I like Glurp?”
Matt: You said it was faster to go around, but….
Slash: Glurp has attacked twice in the time it took you to Indiana Jones your way around the Doom Sphere.
Josh: Are you done?
Slash: I’m not! I’m not, because I haven’t given my [summoned creature any commands]—oh. [It’s dead.]
Matt: [ rolls, and the die arguably doesn’t land quite right ] Can I re-roll that?
Patrick: [ shakes the table, and the die lands on 15 ]
Slash: Stop! Stop! It fixed itself!
Josh: I’ll make you re-roll it now, because you’re cheating.
Matt: How is that cheating? How is that cheating?
Josh: It was clearly a 7.
Matt: “It was clearly a 7”—look, it’s not rolling around now [ shakes the table, and the die remains on 15 ] so obviously it was not on a number.
Josh: Gimme your [+1 to attacks] coin.
Matt: It was not on a number. It was not on a number.
Patrick: It’s a trade.
Matt: Are you making me re-roll it, or are you just taking the coin?
Josh: I’m just taking the coin.
Matt: What is it with Americans that don’t understand aggression? It was not a number.
Josh: It looked like a 7 to me. If you hadn’t been bumping the table, it would’ve stayed a 7.
Matt: It was wiggling because it wasn’t on a number.
Patrick: Roll the 3d8.
Matt: [ rolls ] Now it’s a six; look what you’ve done!
Matt: I come back down from telling Joan to order the pizza, and Patrick says to me, “Is Joan ordering the pizza?” Then, Joan comes down and asks if she should bring down the pizza, and after she brings down the pizza and puts it on the table, he says, “Is Joan bringing down the pizza?”
Patrick: In my defense, his PC is 30 minutes slow.
Slash: I blame the potion of….
Slash: The potion of blue.
Slash: Have you rolled any dice this encounter?
Patrick: I have not.
Slash: That’s pretty impressive. If you manage to do that, you’ll get an achievement.
Matt: I sure could use that +1 coin right about now.
Josh: I’ll let you use it if you say it was a number.
Matt: It was not a number!
Linc: You just have to say it.
Matt: But I won’t, because he’s wrong!
Linc: Dammit! You can argue after this turn!
Matt: I’m a paladin. I cannot tell a lie; it wasn’t a number!
Slash: Kill him before Glurp does. Because if Glurp kills one more big-ass enemy with like 2 hit points….
Elyse: 12 vs. Reflex? Wait, I can do a minor before that to Glimpse the Future?
Slash: Only allies.
Elyse: Dammit! I hate allies!
Josh: Glurp charges. He hits; 15 damage.
Slash: There are no words in this or any other language to describe the look that is on Ganassi’s face, as once again, after much trial and hardship, Glurp rushes in to kill steal a massive enemy.
Encounter 20: Inner Sanctum
Patrick: I target Daunting Light on the human in the circle.
Slash: What? Aren’t you a cleric?
Patrick: Wait, isn’t the mage the guy we’re here to kill?
Slash: No, the mages are good! They’re having their power sucked out by the guys who control the bronze warders so that they can flood the—Josh just covered this at the start of the session!
Patrick: So I can’t target the mage?
Slash: Well, you can. It would not be unlike BFG to say, “I’m going to kill this guy in cold blood because he’s inconveniencing me.”
Josh: You are the worst cleric.
Patrick: So he’s not the one making the cauldron boil?
Josh: No, the orc death mage is, as opposed to the human.
Patrick: Well, you did not say that.
Josh: I pretty much did.
Patrick: No, you didn’t.
Elyse: I heard it!
Josh: If Elyse heard it, it happened!
Slash: Well, I’ll target both orcs and Scarab, I guess.
Josh: [ pointing to Scarab’s HP bar on the initiative display ] You are green! Go!
Slash: Against Scarab first…I crit.
Patrick: Are you sure that’s against Scarab?
Slash: I dunno…DM, is that against Scarab?
Josh: You said Scarab.
Slash: Hang on while I see what my bonus damage is on my weapon.
Matt: Please hold while I determine how hard I’m hitting you.
[ I proceed to miss both orcs. ]
Josh: Do you want to do an extra d6 to Scarab?
Slash: What? Oh, my Clever Control feat! No, I think I’ll opt out of that.
Patrick: Good choice!
Patrick: In a non-BFG manner, I attempt to do a diving tackle to get the mage out of the field.
Josh: Athletics check then, from here.
Patrick: [ rolls ] 10.
Patrick: [ handing Josh a +1 coin ] 11?
Josh: Not enough. You were shooting for a 16. Roll a saving throw.
Patrick: I fail.
Josh: Okay, you slam into the wall. Take 4 damage to the face.
Encounter 21: Battle of the Seven Pillared Hall
Slash: Are you heading over to the merchants?
Slash: Can we have a conversation about that?
Linc: It might involve some shadows, because I’m still on fire.
Slash: What if I could guarantee you that I’d never target you again?
Linc: That would be an interesting conversation.
Linc: Does Gendar have anything good on him?
Slash: Oh, that’s the tactic I should’ve used! Does Gendar have anything valuable on him?
Josh: He’s just dressed a lot like Scarab, wielding two daggers and gutting duergar left and right. And looking super, super heroic! Not evil!
Elyse: Tight leather pants.
Josh: Yes! It’s hot, and heroic.
Slash: I use Magic Missile.
Josh: You distract some of them enough that the merchants take them out. Gendar cheers for your help, and winks at you.
Slash: Name your price, assassin.
Josh: How much money do you have on you?
Slash: I’ve got over 1,000gp.
Elyse: You’re a horrible person.
Linc: I’m trying to prioritize.
Slash: 840gp says your priority is to go get Gendar dead.
Matt: Well, I’ll take that!
Linc: I crit him.
Slash: Did you really?
Josh: You pull Gendar into the hammer of one of the duergar. His eyes go wide, he looks right at Ganassi, and collapses dead.
Matt: D’kar stops and says, “I feel a disturbance in the Force.”
Slash: As if a flaming drow cried out in terror and was suddenly silenced.
Josh: Seeing Gendar fall, the merchants rally and take out some duergar.
Slash: See, it was beneficial! I mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Encounter 22: Brugg Gets His
Josh: You take 14 damage and -2 to attack “tolls” because I typed this incorrectly, apparently.
Slash: Targeting everybody except Kendra, the incredibly masculine—
Josh: [ in deep male voice ] “Hey!”
Josh: A bunch of metal shards raise up from the ground Magneto-like and fly toward you.
Slash: Is she master of magnet?
Matt: [ in regards to initiative display showing “Savage Brugg” ] So is his first name [ with French pronunciation ] “Savage”?
Slash: He’s actually Brugg Savage, related to Fred….
Matt: They took one look at Brugg and said, “You’ve got a face for radio, let’s look at Fred instead.”
Elyse: 19 vs. Fortifi—Fortitude?
Josh: Miss! You need a 20. He’s a chunky, hefty ogre.
Elyse: Well, slap my corn husk.
Josh: [ as Glurp ] “Okay!”
Elyse: I’ve been watching too much “My Little Pony”.
Matt: That’s not the image I had in mind.
Patrick: [ to Brugg ] “I will castrate your sons and impregnate your daughters!”
Slash: “Ew!” That was in character, by the way.
Linc: I think Scarab just threw up in his mouth.
Josh: And he doesn’t even eat!
Patrick: I picked this power just for Brugg.
Slash: Sword of Ogre Decapitation!
Linc: Free action! I take Brugg’s money pouch.
Slash: [ groaning while stretching ]
Elyse: You sound like you’re taking a crap. Is that your action?
Patrick: It’s a burst 2.
Josh: You take 13 poison damage, and you’re blinded!
Slash: I take 8 poison damage because I resist 5.
Josh: And you’re blinded!
Elyse: By science!
Patrick: I’ll heal the wizard…move over to Brugg, and teabag him.
Josh: Tea-bagging is a minor action.
Patrick: Then I’m done.
Patrick: The dwarf has a beard, doesn’t she?
Josh: [ as the female dwarf, in a deep voice ] “Yeah, what’s wrong with that? I haven’t waxed yet. You should see under my skirt.”
Patrick: We can!
Slash: “I’m glad I’m blinded!”
Matt: One word: Nair.
Josh: She resists fire; it doesn’t work.
Encounter 23: Shadow Mirrors
Patrick: Does Brugg still have the amulet that controls the bronze warder?
Josh: Yeah, but its magic is faded.
Patrick: I take it anyway.
Slash: I’m glad that’s what you chose as your prize, instead of a kidney or something.
Patrick: There’s nothing else of significant size.
Elyse: That was in a movie, wasn’t it? Where the guy had a penis around his neck?
Patrick: What kind of movie are you watching?
Slash: That was…oh gosh, the one with Natalie Portman in it. Your Highness.
Matt: There’s only one frame of that movie worth watching.
Josh: In the mirrors around you, you see versions of yourselves.
Patrick: Virgins of ourselves?
Josh: Versions. If you’re looking for virgins of yourselves, yours is empty.
Slash: Just swing at shadow me.
Elyse: [ sarcastically ] This is going to be awesome. 26 vs. AC?
Josh: That’s a hit!
Elyse: And I look at you while I do it.
Slash: There’s a glimpse of genuine concern and a brief flicker of genuine respect on Ganassi’s face.
Matt: “Well, I think I’m going to leave…charge!”
Josh: “Oh, you totally had me!”
Encounter 24: Shrine of Undeath
Elyse: Every time you spend a healing surge you gain two….
Matt: Healing surges?
Linc: Spend one, get two!
Josh: Ganassi spending any surges?
Slash: I’m fine!
Patrick: Maximizing efficiency.
Linc: Or death.
Matt: [ after several attempts by actual trained thieves ] Let me try my Thievery! 17!
Patrick: With your -1 modifier?
Josh: Yeah, you still fail.
Elyse: I’m going to kick it in!
Josh: D’kar’s picking locks, Mot’s kicking in doors.
Slash: Remember, I screamed, so I’m charging ahead right now.
Elyse: Was it a girly scream?
Slash: It was a manly yell of battle rage.
Matt: …in a higher pitch.
Elyse: 26 vs. Will.
Josh: Just missed.
Slash: But she has combat advantage.
Josh: Just hit.
Elyse: [ makes an odd noise of celebration ] I’m not sure what that was.
Slash: A dying puppy.
Elyse: Aww, that’s awful!
Matt: Awful funny!
Elyse: [ reading from the power description ] “You orally—” No, wait! “You or ally….”
Patrick: Cincture of Ganassi.
Patrick: [ after a successful attack ] God bless the Sphincter of Ganassi!
Elyse: That’s minor, minor, minor…awesome turn. I could action point….
Slash: And do another minor.
Patrick: That sounds like an achievement.
Slash: Abusing Minors!
Matt: Four minors in a turn! You’ve got to do it just to earn the achievement! Please?
An Ending and a Beginning
Josh: “By Pelor’s burnt backside! How do you know Alphonse Glimguardian?”
Patrick: “Well, bend over Bahamut and—”
Matt: “BFG, now’s not a good time. High priest of Bahamut here?”
Patrick: “It was so long ago….” And things go all wavy.
Slash: Don’t mind him, he’s rippling. You know we can’t see that, right?