Quotes from Keep on the Shadowfell
Encounter 1: Kobold Raiders
Josh: “I’ll provide you with a free stay at the inn while you prepare for the journey and give you fresh supplies for the road.”
Slash: “Much appreciated, sir.”
Josh: “I’m sorry that’s all I can provide; my adventuring days are long behind me.”
Slash: “Your 240 gold pieces will be more than enough.”
Matt: “It’s not about the money.”
Slash: “…. Your 240—”
Josh: Paladins. Gotta love ’em.
Slash: Ganassi leaves you two at the bar and heads back to the inn, checks in, and reviews his spellbook.
Slash: [ to Elyse ] I told you my character was a lot like me.
Patrick: [ rolling Perception in the bar ] That won’t do it. That’s a 2.
Slash: You see the bottom of your ale stein.
Patrick: I’ve been drinking A LOT.
Slash: “Gentlemen, I would like to pick up some components for my rituals. I will see you at the tavern later.”
Patrick: I follow Ganassi to see if he’s telling the truth.
Slash: Do you want to roll Stealth and I’ll roll Perception against it to see if I know you’re following me?
Patrick: I think we need to. [ rolls ] 17 Stealth.
Slash: Critical miss!
Josh: Patrick was like a ninja!
Patrick: Since he didn’t even know I was there and since he’s so boring that his alignment is actually how he behaves, I’m going walk in too and buy some alchemist stuff.
Slash: “Bosephus! My goodness!”
Patrick: “Fancy running into you here!”
Josh: Meanwhile, Matt is having a discussion with Ressilmae Starlight at the Moonsong Temple. You can try to convert her, ‘cause I don’t believe that is a temple of Bahamut.
Matt: Well…. [ rolls ]
Patrick: [ whispers ] Just take 10.
Matt: 20 on Intimidate.
Josh: You’re going to intimidate the priestess?
Patrick: She’s going to blow her rape whistle.
Slash: [ on the question of Mot joining the party ] “Gentlemen, I leave the decision to you.”
Elyse: [ singing ] “You would love to have me in your party.”
Slash: Ganassi plugs his ears in the most discreet way possible.
Slash: [ placing minis ] Typical, facing the wrong direction.
Elyse: I’m singin’!
Slash: Backing up; you’re moonwalking down the trail.
Slash: Ganassi’s grumbling to himself.
Matt: [ singing Thriller ] “‘cause it’s a thriller…!”
Josh: Number 1 is going to throw a javelin at Ganassi. “I kill you!” He rolls a 15 against your AC.
Slash: Ganassi throws up his shield! Oh, he doesn’t have Shield yet.
Josh: You take 4 damage.
Slash: I take 4 damage.
Slash: Patrick, incidentally you rolled the percentile die instead of the d10.
Patrick: Isn’t that a 10?
Slash: No, that’s not the 10, the 10 is the other one that doesn’t have the zeroes on the end of it.
Patrick: Well, I see that. Oh, well….
Slash: It doesn’t matter; it has the same geometry, so—
Patrick: Well, I didn’t count, you know—140 points of damage!
Josh: Your wave of fire washes over them and all that is left is their boots.
Slash: Excellent, that’s exactly what I was going for. And the Slinger…is a critical miss.
Elyse: [ sing-song ] “Way to go, Ganassi, way to go!” Two points!
Patrick: Before I swing, I call out to my god. I say, “By Bahamut’s glorious radiance, I will wear your kidneys as a corset!”
Elyse: I will jinx shot the Slinger. So that is…[ rolls ] 17…. And that’s versus AC.
Josh: That’s a hit.
Elyse: And then 1d8…[ rolls ] 8+3, 11.
Slash: Psychic damage.
Josh: He clutches his head and cries out in agony.
Slash: Oh no, it’s not psychic damage, I’m sorry.
Josh: Okay. He does not do that.
Patrick: The Slinger, since he is a ranged attack…do I know if he has any melee weapons?
Josh: You can do Perception to see if he’s carrying one.
Patrick: I have a 14 passive Perception. Can I see it right away?
Josh: You can see it hanging off his belt, a dagger. It’s not like—he’s not going to have it stuck in his….
Slash: Stuck in his what?
Elyse: In his kidney corset?
Patrick: I walk up to the Slinger and collect his kidneys for a corset.
Josh: It doesn’t give you any bonuses. You can enchant it later.
Slash: What kind of bonus does a Magic Kidney +1 give you?
Elyse: “We killed some Kobold…thingies! They’re dead! … Whoo!”
Slash: I like how all this rock music is being played on a lute.
Elyse: You know what, Mot is a very unique gnome.
Encounter 2: Winterhaven
Matt: I buy some flowers for Mot.
Slash: Ganassi rolls his eyes and harrumphs.
Matt: “How much for the flowers?”
Josh: “5 copper.”
Matt: “Here’s a silver.”
Josh: “Thank you, good sir.”
Matt: “Can you make change?”
Josh: “No I cannot.” You know how these scams work.
Slash: D’Kar’s probably just at the bar at this point.
Patrick: Prune juices all around!
Josh: “You say you have been attacked on the road?”
Josh: “Little red and brown bandits on the road?”
Patrick: “Among other things, yes.”
Josh: “The old king’s road?”
Patrick: “I have these kidneys….”
Josh: “Let me see the kidneys!” [ feels them ] “They feel like kobold kidneys.”
Patrick: “All I saw was what was in front of me before I hit it with my lance of faith.”
Josh: “Oh, so you’re a cleric, then? I got this ache right here…. Can you look at that for me?”
Patrick: “Do you have any change?”
Elyse: “I left my money…uh…in my other lute.”
Patrick: “Freakin’ bards.”
Patrick: “How you doin’?”
Josh: “Well, and you?”
Patrick: “…it was a rhetorical question.”
Patrick: What’s your bluff?
Elyse: Well, I could do a ritual—
Slash: She’s got a ritual to buff her bluff.
Elyse: I could do a ritual that bluffs my buff—my bluffs my bluff—whatever.
Josh: “You’ve encountered the kobolds that have turned the old king’s road and our outlying farms into their personal hunting ground?”
Patrick: “You see this corset?”
Josh: “Are you talking about the trash heap that farmer goes on and on about all the time? That guy really annoys me.”
Patrick: “For another few gold pieces we can take care of him, too.”
Josh: “…. Aren’t you a cleric?”
Encounter 3: Kobold Ambush
Slash: So we all meet up in the common room, and I say—
Elyse: [ singing ] “Good morning, good morning! It’s great to stay up late! Good morning, good morning to you!”
Matt: “If you want to see the end of the day, you will stop.”
Josh: Roll initiative! Just kidding.
Elyse: [ singing ] “Let’s get it started! HA! Let’s it get started in here!”
Josh: The gnome bard has quite the pop selection of songs.
Slash: Ganassi is going to center a scorching burst on D’Kar.
Josh: It’s going to hit you too.
Slash: What’s that? Oh, it is going to hit me. All right, Ganassi is going to back up one and center a scorching burst on D’Kar.
Elyse: So you’re really going to give him damage?
Slash: If I hit him, I will hurt him, yes. “Jim Darkmagic does this all the time. He told me, in the correspondence school, that this was a good idea. He said that dragonborn are just as good as dwarves for fire.”
Josh: He’s going to move here…to attack D’Kar….
Matt: 4 minutes to cookies.
Josh: [ rolls ] That’s going to be a hit.
Matt: 4 minutes to cookies!
Josh: I heard you.
Slash: Hey, you’re still hit, man. You think he’s going to downgrade his d20 roll because it’s 4 minutes to cookies? Try him again in 4 minutes.
Josh: He is way bloodied.
Elyse: I give you 2 temporary hit points.
Matt: Hit points are useful.
Josh: I think you guys need to make sure she comes along every time.
Patrick: We’re liking the bard more and more.
Josh: We don’t care what you say, elf.
Josh: No, it’s gonna be elf.
Slash: Elf you!
Josh: 16. Does that hit your AC?
Slash: That’s the second time he’s tied, isn’t it?
Josh: You take a whole 1 damage. Oh no, he’s weak.
Slash: Half of 1…is 0.
Patrick: I have another healing word, which is a minor, which I am going to use, but not at this point.
Josh: You guys never use your second winds, ‘cause that gives you bonuses to your defenses, too.
Patrick: Well, as a Heal check, I can cause him to use his second wind.
Josh: Against his will!
Slash: “You will heal yourself!”
Josh: "But I don’t wanna!"
Elyse: “You’ve lost your arms, man!”
Josh: “It’s only a flesh wound! ’Tis but a scratch!” [ mimes splurting blood ]
Patrick: I will lance of faith, and I will bring out my curse again, and I will say, “By Melora’s foul toejam….”
Slash: Are you allowed to invoke another god?
Patrick: As long as I insult them while I do it.
Elyse: I will use vicious mockery on stinky man over there.
Slash: The Wyrmpriest?
Elyse: So this is versus Will. [ rolls ] Oh, I don’t think I did it. 8.
Josh: No. He says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
Elyse: “Still smell!”
Slash: Ganassi switches to the longsword as a minor action and will just do a basic melee attack. [ rolls ] 9 vs AC.
Elyse: How did you miss someone lying on the ground?
Slash: This is why I’m a magician.
Josh: He swung this way [ swings horizontally ] and not this way [ swings vertically ].
Slash: You guys are going to love this.
Patrick: I’m waiting for it.
Josh: Oh, yay! [ claps ]
Patrick: Fey step! Fey step! We’ve waited for it for 4 encounters, and it was awesome.
Josh: It was totally worth it!
Patrick: See, you need to _fey step _and then backstab him with a ballista!
Slash: He takes 264 points of damage.
Patrick: d10…I am rolling percent die.
Slash: [ chuckles ]
Patrick: 1, crap!
Slash: [ fake-whispering ] 10!
Slash: That’s going to be a d6+4.
Josh: That was Skirmisher 10? Or Skirmisher 4, I mean. Not that his hit points are 10.
Slash: Well, now they’re 4, ’cause he takes 6 points of damage.
Slash: I don’t have any minors—I make the rock glow as a minor action.
Patrick: Prestidigitation—he puts a little statue….
Slash: No, he doesn’t do that, that’s silly. Ganassi doesn’t do silly; his player does silly.
Patrick: I call out my curse, “By Tiamat’s tiny twinkle-toes….”
Josh: He pulls the skull-shaped mask off his head—
Patrick: And it’s Tom Cruise!
Elyse: Aaa! Run away!
Josh: “I will fight to the death to protect Irontooth’s secrets!”
Slash: Ganassi says, “Now we know he has secrets!”
Slash: “Just kill him, he doesn’t know anything!”
Patrick: Probably has the keys to the kingdom.
Slash: “Then we’ll pull it off his corpse!”
Elyse: I will attempt to intimidate him. [ rolls ] 19 plus…4. 23.
Slash: [ laughs ] The pint-sized gnome comes up and says, “Listen, punk!”
Elyse: He’s scared of short people!
Josh: As you’re tying him you notice a necklace hanging around his neck.
Slash: Oh, Ganassi totally takes that.
Elyse: “Hey, hey, hey! Why don’t we ask him about the necklace instead of just stealing it?”
Slash: How about I take the necklace, and then we ask him about it? While I hold it in front of his face like this: “What’s this?!?”
Patrick: I like that.
Slash: … “What’s this?!?”
Patrick: How much experience?
Slash: We need 55 more points. Can I go back and kill the farmer?
Slash: I totally thought he was a demon!
Josh: He’s Orcus; he would eat you!
Encounter 4: Ancient Burial Grounds
Patrick: Quit putting tiles out!
Slash: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 enemies!
Josh: [ rolling another Bluff check ] You think that’s a lie, too. My dice are back to normal.
Slash: He’s going to _magic missile _the jumping guy.
Josh: Agrid. He’s also a gnome.
Slash: He’s a gnome? He’s _really _going to magic missile him.
Slash: I think it might not be a bad idea for me to switch my attention to the apparition?
Josh: “You are no caster, eladrin!”
Slash: Oh, that’s—it’s on, now.
Josh: “I am Kalarel!”
Slash: Screw you guys’ opinion, that’s a magic missile! [ rolls ] Uh, nevermind. I’m sure he’s got a Reflex better than 10.
Josh: “I am correct in my assessment of your skills!”
Josh: [ as Matt updates his HP yet again ] You’re gonna need a new sheet.
Slash: There’s going to be a hole where the HP was written.
Slash: Do you want me to go for the Rotter to verify that we can actually kill him permanently…
Matt: [ quickly ] No.
Slash: …or should I go for the apparition?
Matt: [ quickly ] Yes.
Josh: Tell us how you really feel.
Patrick: I’m going to do righteous brand against the Drake. Strength vs AC…. [ rolls ]
Slash: [ laughs ] Patrick just sort of stares at the number.
Patrick: 7+2…+2 which is an 11.
Slash: How many 2s can we add?
Josh: That’s a miss. You need at least 2 more 2s.
Matt: How are you feeling?
Patrick: A bit peckish.
Matt: What does that mean? Should I shift one and lay hands on you?
Patrick: Keep your hands off me.
Josh: Necrotic claws! “You dare strike me, mage?”
Slash: Oh, frak. What is it against, Fortitude?
Slash: Oh, that’s slightly better.
Josh: 20 hits your Reflex, I assume. You are grabbed!
Patrick: What kind of roll is this?
Josh: Awesome roll.
Matt: Is that like sushi?
Slash: It’s like a california roll.
Elyse: But awesomer.
Josh: The zombie is going to try to hit on—[ laughs ] hit on D’Kar. “How you doin’?” He was distracted by your good looks and misses.
Josh: [ rolls for damage, then rolls again ] 6. That was a lot better. I was like, “Why is there a 10 on this d8?”
Josh: “You will not stand a chance against the real Kalarel. You’re lucky you only have to face me!”
Slash: “I’m starting to believe it!”
Matt: Wonderful little back and forth thing you’ve got going on. “You suck!” “I know!”
Patrick: 9 plus…13 versus Reflex.
Josh: That’s a miss.
Slash: [ joking ] No, 9+13….
Josh: Oh, 9 plus 13 is good.
Elyse: “We’re going to get you, you…see-through…person!”
Josh: “Ooo, I’m so scared!”
Josh: Kalarel will back up. Since the cleric is pointing at him in a menacing way….
Slash: Dude, you’ve got prejudice because of the shape of your mini.
Matt: [regarding Mike’s Hard Pomegranate Punch] These are pretty tasty.
Slash: Yeah. I’m a big fan of Mike’s Hard anything.
[ beat, then laughter ]
Elyse: I think we have to have a talk, honey.
Josh: [after my initial flaming sphere attack misses] “Ha ha ha ha! I fear no sphere!”
Patrick: Who’s the bard now?
Slash: Give yourself 3 hit points while we’re thinking about it.
Josh: That negates half your necrotic damage, so that’s kind of handy.
Elyse: “Handy!” Ha ha ha!
Elyse: Temporary hit points go there [ pointing at my character sheet ]
Slash: Oh hey, check it out; I didn’t know they had their own box.
Elyse: I knew something you didn’t?!? That just made my night!
Slash: The whole “insubstantial means takes half damage” is part of why I’m looking forward to room 8 in my campaign.
Josh: Is Kalarel in it?
Slash: It’s 87 apparitions of Kalarel!
Patrick: [ snorts his drink ]
Slash: “Kill the gnome!” Ganassi shouts.
Elyse: “Hey, wait—”
Slash: “Not you! The other gnome!”
Slash: Did the bard—er, not the bard—
Elyse: Who are you trying to kill?
Slash: The other gnome!
Elyse: [ rolls ] Is that 17?
Elyse: 4; I don’t know what I was….
Slash: You know what’s hilarious about that? The 17 was on the bottom; you couldn’t even see it.
Slash: Experience! To hit level 2!
Josh: How much did you guys say you needed?
Slash: We need 45.
Slash: Screw you!
Patrick: Turn off the recording.
Josh: This podcast features adults—
Slash: Beating the crap out of the DM.
Elyse: What do you say about the HP? Do we get the points?
Slash: Oh yeah, we had some question about that. Leveling up when your HP isn’t at max, do you get—does your HP go up? Like, say I’m 18 of 22 and my Max HP goes to 26, do I now have 22 of 26?
Matt: In Pokemon, your HP does not go up.
Slash: Well, I think that is an argument to do the exact opposite.
Josh: You do find a picture of his wife.
Patrick: Does that make you insanely jealous?
Elyse: No. He was just my mentor.
Slash: You didn’t have a crush on your teacher?
Elyse: Well, I was smarter than him. That’s how I got the good grades, though.
Slash: I almost forgot to give myself an action point for sleeping.
Matt: That seems strangely connected.
Matt: “That’s how I got the good grades.” “I almost forgot to give myself an action point.”
Elyse: [ singing a summary of the previous session ]:
bq). Kidney corset in tow,
We entered the little town.
We found most of the residents
Feeling pretty down.
My friend Douvan was lost;
The ale shipments were missing;
Bosephus struck out with an elf.
There would be no kissing.
[ plays a chord ] Oh, I don’t like that one. [ plays a different one ]
D’Kar’s mighty sword—shut up!
And Bosephus’s divine power
Laid our enemies low,
But didn’t save the hour.
Matt: “I had this dream…. No, I didn’t.”
Josh: It was just gas.
Patrick: “I looked up. I looked up. Down, down. Left, then right. Left, then right. Could there B A way out?” Konami Code
Elyse: “I can do magic, too!”
Slash: “I highly doubt that.”
Elyse: “Dude, totally! Last night, I was a little upset because you just aren’t taking my seriously. I’m a serious adventurer here. So I decided to just…make a pact…with the…fey….” Right, is that what I’m doing?
Slash: “This story supports my theory on your knowledge.”
Elyse: “You spend so much time with your nose in the books!” I grab the book from you. “What’s even in here?”
Slash: I take the book back from you.
Josh: [ handing her a new ritual ] You see this on the page.
Elyse: “Oh. Maybe…maybe you can learn things from reading.”
Elyse: Am I at the tavern, too?
Josh: You’re shopping.
Patrick: We’re shopping. Not together.
Josh: [ fake whisper ] There’s only one store!
Encounter 5: Outside the Kobold Lair
Slash: [ explaining my familiar ] He’s in passive mode when he’s on my person, or basically invisible or banished to an ethereal plane.
Elyse: Or in between your legs.
Slash: [ referring to my gamepiece ] On my mini.
Elyse: Oh, is that what you call it?
Slash: [ gasping at the end of a Divination ritual ] …. Well, that didn’t tell me a damn thing.
Linc: “Who are you?”
Elyse: “Awesome people!”
Slash: “We are the Heroes of Harken…and one annoying gnome.”
Elyse: Since you bloodied that guy, you can take 4 temporary hit points.
Slash: It’s 3, isn’t it?
Elyse: 3 temporary hit points.
Matt: I was going to say, it was 3 last time.
Elyse: Sorry, he has 4.
Linc: Sorry, I should keep my thing to myself.
Matt: Yes, please keep your “thing” to yourself.
Patrick: I’m going to do another lance of faith, ‘cause I’m a one-trick pony.
Matt: Pelor didn’t want you for your creativity.
Patrick: He likes ’em dumb as posts and just following orders.
Slash: I can’t see the dice from here, but I see Elyse kind of go, “ewww.”
Matt: That’s gonna smart, yeaaah….
Patrick: Oh, you get a +2 from me, also.
Matt: …yeaaah…. We’re looking at 14?
Patrick: You rolled a 2! How many power bonuses do you have?
Patrick: I can move up next to him and not provoke opportunity, right?
Matt: Yeah. You can lick him if you want.
Josh: Ooo, he tastes ninja-y.
Encounter 6: Inside the Kobold Lair
[ refering to Bosephus’s conversion ]
Patrick: “Pelor said he would protect me.”
Matt: I will never forsake you….
Slash: …like I did Bahamut!
Elyse: [ as hand signals are being used from across the river ] “I think he said something about cutting his hair.”
Elyse: I am going to vicious mock. “Your mother was a stinkbug!”
Matt: [ as kobold ] “How did you know?”
Elyse: [ moving next to an ally ] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. “Hey, buuuuddy!” I am going to mock #1. “Your sister…smells like…flowers!”
Slash: That is quite the insult to kobolds….
Patrick: “By Corellon’s flabby underarms….” [ rolls ] “I used the wrong curse.”
Matt: Given the “help” from my partner, can I assume that he’s actually one of the enemies adjacent to me and add a +1 to my attack?
Elyse: Because my vicious mockery is actually hitting…. “You speak draconic like an eladrin!”
Josh: Irontooth says, “I piss on your god, paladin!”
Matt: Hey! “I piss right back.” He’s marked.
Elyse: [ Mot has used fade away and is invisible ] You feel your wounds start to heal, but you don’t know where it’s coming from.
Josh: He says, “Thanks, Bosephus!”
Josh: Back to D’Kar. Mano a mano against Irontooth…with help from Giya.
Patrick: Mano a mano a mano.
Josh: And however you say fireball in Spanish.
Patrick: Fuego goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!
Matt: [ announcing his AC ] 23!
Josh: [ announcing his attack roll ] 25!
Elyse: “I said, ’don’t get hit!’”
Matt: “I wasn’t listening!”
Elyse: If anyone’s resting, you get an extra 4—3—4—3….
Josh: You also find three large barrels of ale bearing the markings of the Cliffside Brewery—
Josh: —which you may recall, cleric, you were requested to recover for your friend Revan Stonebreaker.
Elyse: [ explaining why she won’t give Ganassi ritual components for free ] “Maybe if you loved me more intensely….”
Matt: “I don’t want to see intense gnome love!”
[ magical chainmail has been found for Bosephus, recent convert from Bahamut to Pelor ]
Matt: It’s the chainmail of Bahamut!
Slash: Can Ganassi accost one of them to ask what’s going on?
Elyse: Maybe you need to be nice about it, instead of accosting.
Slash: Get a dictionary!
Elyse: I don’t know what accosting means.
Matt: Just out of curiosity, I did a definition search for “accost”. Definition 1: To approach and speak to boldly or aggressively, as with a demand or request.
Elyse: Ah ha!
Matt: 2: To solicit for sex.
Josh: You enter the tavern and see the people huddled around their gruel—.
Patrick: “We have ale!”
Josh: “Will you do what you can to help?”
Slash: You’re not even there! You’re still reading books.
Patrick: As I’m clinging to the outside of the tower….
Encounter 7: Goblin Guards
Slash: “This may have escaped your notice, but I am not particularly personable.”
Matt: Wait, are we metagaming?
Josh: Yes. No. I’m not sure.
Josh: [ showing an aerial view of the keep ] This is what you see as you arrive at the keep.
Elyse: So we arrived by helicopter?
Josh: The stairs appear fine.
Patrick: Nevertheless, I will take a sizeable chunk of rock and throw it down the stairs.
Josh: The steps are still fine.
Slash: You hear, clack, clack, clack—
Slash: And the sound of crossbows being readied.
Josh: The stairway leading down consists of finely crafted stone, perhaps the work of dwarves. [referencing characters in my campaign] You see the name “Bonebreaker” etched in the corner.
Slash: I’m making that canon.
Slash: So Bosephus leans over and says, “Blast him,” and I say, “Okay.”
Josh: He’s going to take a shot at D’Kar.
Matt: He’s going to miss.
Josh: [ rolls ] He’s going to kill you… [ rolls ] and you take 5 damage.
Elyse: Do you want to play Mot?
Slash: I don’t think I could do her justice.
Elyse: Just watch it, I’ll whip this out!
Slash: Are you sure you want to blow dailies this early in the session?
Linc: [ rolls attack and gets a 4 ]
Elyse: That was a 12, so you can roll again with your 20.
Linc: Oh. [ rolls again and gets a 3 ]
Linc: [ rolling attack against his oath of enmity target ] Double crits.
Slash: Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. [ rolls attack for magic missile] That one’s going to miss though; it’s only a 9.
Josh: The magic miss….
Patrick: You’re okay on hit points?
Matt: So far.
Patrick: You’re okay?
Elyse: [ hasn’t been hit ] I’m okay. Since you’re asking.
Slash: [ also hasn’t been hit ] I’m okay!
Linc: [ rolling an opportunity attack against his oath of enmity target ]
Slash: That’s twice now! He got two 20s on the last time and two 17s on this one.
Elyse: Mot’s a vegetarian, I think, according to her sheet.
Slash: Yeah, she is. She was a vegetarian before you were a vegetarian.
Encounter 8: Torture Chamber
Matt: [ addressing the microphone ] Yes, we’re all old enough to have kids. Deal with it!
Slash: “Lead the way, D’Kar.”
Matt: “Uh uh, no way.”
Slash: “You follow Bahamut and there are screams of people beyond the next door. Lead. The. Way.”
Linc: I’ll attempt Stealth. [ gets 8 ] Ah, that sucked.
Linc: I’ll move.
Elyse: You already moved.
Linc: I shifted.
Slash: A shift is your whole move action.
Linc: I didn’t say move, I said shift!
Slash: [ laughing ] “I sauntered; I used my Saunter Action.”
Slash: I’ll target the sharpshooter Jahnklein’s after—
Linc: Who? [Jahnklein was his character in my campaign]
Slash: Yeah, sorry!
Matt: In a startling new twist….
Slash: I’m going to go ahead and use an action point….
Elyse: You’re using an action point?
Slash: I’m using an action point.
Patrick: Did I stutter?
Slash: [ proceeds to miss all targets with my extra action ]
[ Patrick is plotting to bull rush a target ]
Slash: Your Strength isn’t stellar.
Josh: [ obviously wanting Patrick to try ] His Fort[itude]’s not that high….
Josh: [ attacks D’Kar while Matt is away ] That’s 11 fire damage and ongoing 2 fire damage.
Slash: That’ll teach him to get up from the table!
Josh: And then he explodes!
Matt: [ returning ] Yes, I knew that would happen.
Patrick: [ referring to a tortured old man ] Are you using him for cover? ‘Cause I was planning to do that.
Slash: Aren’t you a cleric?
Slash: [ casting burning hands] Ganassi says, “Oheavat unaqs!” and fire blasts out at them and…it will be epic…. Each of them will be taking—holy crap! 16 damage.
Elyse: Did you make up incantations?
Slash: I did make up incantations.
Elyse: You’re taking it to the next level.
Slash: [ moving Matt’s mini ] Minor, grab the poker; move, shift to…here? Here? Here? Roll a d3.
Matt: [ rolls ] 3!
Slash: Okay, so here.
Matt: [ rolls a save ] 6!
Slash: That’s the third time tonight he’s rolled a 6 on a save vs. ongoing damage.
Josh: You need to beat 31 to see him.
Linc: I have +10 perception.
Slash: You’d need 21 on a 20-sided die.
Patrick: I really can’t turn away from lance of faith.
Matt: That’s what she said.
Patrick: I’m going to step up to the torture table and use it for cover against the sharpshooters.
Matt: The old man looks up at him with an expression that says, “Are you using me for cover?”
Josh: He says, “Hey…aren’t you a cleric?”
Josh: He’s no longer marked, and…Ganassi’s next to the iron maiden.
Slash: That was ominous.
Matt: Okay, I bull rush Ganassi into the iron maiden.
Josh: Excellent work!
Josh: He’s dead.
Matt: D-E-D, dead.
Slash: D-E-D…dead. What’s that from?
Elyse: Sounds like a Homer Simpson thing.
Slash: No, it’s from some movie.
Matt: Come on, you can do it. I’ll give you a clue, Dom DeLuise.
Slash: Augh, it’s right there. It’s a parody, right? It’s not Hot Shots_…_Naked Gun?
Matt: No. Another clue: one of his associates was Filthy Luca.
Slash: No, I know, it’s not coming to me at all.
Josh: Hobgoblin Torturer crits against D’Kar. You take 12 damage and you’re on fire again.
Slash: He just saved against that. He has yet to go a round where he hasn’t taken the damage.
Matt: And I’m bloodied.
Patrick: Does somebody need a cleric?
Josh: He’s used to torture! He’s the Mord-Sith of Hobgoblins.
Elyse: I don’t think he’s as good-looking as the Mord-Sith.
Matt: I always pictured Mord-Sith as being a little prettier.
Matt: Did you figure it out yet?
Slash: I had to take my turn so I stopped thinking about it….
Josh: [ whispering as hiding goblin ] “I can’t see you; you can’t see me! I can’t see you; you can’t see me!”
Elyse: What year was this movie? Was it after, like, 1988, which is probably when I can remember life?
Patrick: And I give my +2 power bonus to…who wants it?
Slash: Who’s it against? That guy? Probably me.
Patrick: Who’s going to pay me? It’s a valuable thing. Eh, I’ll give it to D’Kar.
Matt: I’m going to attack the guy under the table.
Patrick: You said you wanted it!
Matt: Yeah, but…he applied logic to it.
Matt: I flip over the table. I see him?
Josh: Yeah. He peed.
Matt: It also starred Richard Lewis.
Slash: I’m gonna bang my head into this pole whenever I finally—
Matt: Cary Elwes.
Josh: Is it Robin Hood: Men in Tights?
Elyse: Yes! I saw that movie!
Slash: “Unlike some other Robin Hoods…”
Slash&Elyse: “I can speak with an English accent!”
Elyse: Are they special keys? Is one diamond-shaped or anything?
Slash: They’re a Mouseketool !
Slash: As long as I don’t go unconscious, I can teleport away and spend a healing surge.
Patrick: Actually, it would funny if you fell unconscious and the robe teleported away.
Encounter 9: Glurp and Balgron
Josh: “I smarter than them. They not like me.”
Patrick: “Really? You’re smarter?”
Josh: “Goblins not smart.”
Patrick: “How could you help us?”
Josh: “I know this area well. I could lead! I could shine your armor; it’s very shiny.”
Josh: “[The fat goblin] has many goblins.”
Elyse: [ mishearing ] “He is many goblins?”
Josh: “I could draw you a map if you don’t want me to go along….”
Patrick: “Oh no, you’re going with us.”
Josh: “Oooookay…. Whatever you say, shiny!”
Josh: “You make beautiful music.”
Elyse: “I like him; can we keep him?”
Slash: “I was liking him; now I’m not sure.”
Josh: [ to Giya ] “Stay away from me, devil man!”
Slash: [ snapping my fingers ] “Focus! Lead us to the fat goblin.”
Josh: “Okay. You’re tall.”
Josh: [ about Balgron, repeatedly ] “He’s a fat bastard!”
Slash: Ganassi’s sick of all the discussion and will try to Stealth in. [ rolls ] I got a 9. “Leroy Jenkins!”
Patrick: I think you should use your daily to make him smile as he gets attacked.
Josh: There’s a Goblin Warrior laying on the bed. He was sleeping but you woke him up.
Patrick: He’s wearing women’s clothing.
Josh: “I’m ready for you, Balgron!”
Patrick: This could be your chance to kill him. Your one kill.
Matt: Actually, I already have one.
Slash: The Temple of Bahamut has a one-enemy-death-per-day policy, and he’s met his quota.
Josh: You swing your sword, he tries to block it with his spear, and you cut right through it and your sword stops about here. [ points to his nose ]
Slash: But is he dead?!?
Matt: I open the door.
Slash: “Surprise, suckahs!”
Matt: “I am not a fat goblin!”
Elyse: Do you have everything memorized?
Slash: Darn near.
Matt: Quick, what’s on page 133 of this book? [ holds up Martial Power]
Slash: I’m going to say options for Warlords as just a general guess.
Matt: [ checks ]
Elyse: Oh man, you were two pages off.
[ D’Kar has been taking a lot of damage by this point ]
Matt: [ after an attack misses him ] How much damage do I take?
Matt: Put me up close to that one.
Josh: Breath weapon!
Matt: That’s actually a good idea; back me up one.
Josh: Well, you can do it right next to him; it’s close.
Matt: “Clost blast 3”; yeah, put me up close to that one.
Slash: Wait! Move him back again!
Josh: You’re at 40? 30?
Matt: Yeah, 30. Sure, 40, why not?
Josh: 1 over your max.
Slash: How’s D’Kar doing, hit point wise?
Matt: Only down by 9.
Slash: All right! Ganassi’s going to center a scorching burst [to hit 2 goblins and 2 allies]…
[ laughter as everyone sees it coming ]
Encounter 10: Excavation Site
Matt: [ declaring his initiative roll ] 12.
Josh: Even with improved initiative?
Matt: Especially with improved initiative.
Elyse: I’m going to let Glurp handle [coming up with an insult for vicious mockery ]. [ rolls ] Oh….
Slash: That’s a small number.
Josh: “I…I got nothin’.”
Matt: There’s a lot space between me and you.
Josh: [ singing ] And you and me!
Matt: [ singing ] Together we rollin’ it…
Slash: [ Mot has just rolled a monster knowledge check ] Giya goes running down the steps next to the kruthik and Mot’s like, “I don’t think you want to do that!”
Elyse: [ using vicious mockery on a kruthik ] “You’re a fly.” Or whatever. [ rolls poorly ] Oh….
Slash: Apparently that was just really lame.
Elyse: I need to start bringing some creativity. With that, I’ll just go back here with shame.
Slash: Also known as Glurp.
Josh: You chop off 2 of its legs with that swing.
Slash: It has 33 left.
Patrick: [ attacks and kills a kruthik ]
Josh: You just took him from not bloodied to dead.
Slash: You know, I gotta say, I had my doubts at first, but I’m digging Pelor. I think you’ve found your place.
Josh: [ as Glurp ] “Go Mot, yay Mot! Mot equals awesome!”
Slash: “I’m liking you less and less, Glurp.”
Josh: “Shut up, Pointy Ears.”
Elyse: “That’s right!”
Slash: Goblins have pointy ears, too.
Josh: If you end your turn next to him, you’ll take 2 damage, but if you hit him with anything…he’s got basically one leg and an antenna left.
Matt: [ rolls ] Yeah, I shift back one.
Matt: [ after two attacks against my wizard both roll 1s ] I’m going to start learning rituals.
Slash: 31 Arcana to detect magic.
Elyse: What’s your Arcana? I have +11. I was going to say, I got a 26….
Slash: I’m more Intelligent than you are.
Elyse: …. Eyebite! Arrr!
Encounter 11: Water Cave
Elyse: I hear 20. I mean I have 20 Perception.
Patrick: I hear twenties!
Slash: And a solar-flare like arm of flame reaches out to hit him—[ rolls ]—oops, that’s the damage roll. [ rolls ] 20 vs. Reflex.
Slash: 9 damage.
Elyse: Got a little ahead of yourself there.
Patrick: Daunting light. Level 3. Hasn’t failed me yet.
Slash: D’oh! That’s like putting up the graphic. “He’s never missed a field goal from this distance.”
Patrick: [ rolls ] Oh, and he rolls a 2.
Slash: Told you!
Patrick: [ rolls percentile and d10 for a 2d10 attack ]
Matt: 92 damage!
Encounter 12: Crypt of Shadows
Elyse: [ her gnome has just stolen a magic necklace from my eladrin ] How do you spell “resist”?
Slash: If you can’t spell the properties of the magic item, then it flies back to my neck because you’re not worthy!
Elyse: I’m thinking I should up my power to 2 smiles a day? 3 smiles a day?
Josh: Two and a smirk.
Slash: I can put this light anywhere.
Patrick: I think you should put it on D’Kar’s helmet.
Slash: “It only took you two attacks to fell as many enemies as my one.”
Elyse: “I’m half your size!”
Slash: “And half my ability.”
Patrick: Critical hit!
Slash: Wait, when Matt says “crit” he means “crit miss” doesn’t he?
Elyse: We need to play during the day on Saturdays more often.
Matt: [ double-moving ] “1, 2, 3, 4, 5.” [ deep breath ] “1, 2, …”
Josh: Did you mark when you [ deep breath ]?
Josh: “Go Mot! Kill the dead thing!”
Slash: “That’s a bit redundant, Glurp. I’m not sure if you’re aware of that.”
Encounter 13: Skeletal Legion
Matt: “Why don’t we send the goblin down?”
Josh: “No way, dragonman! I don’t like Bahamoof.”
Josh: He’s going to provoke an opportunity attack.
Slash: From me? Hilarious. Where’s my melee basic attack? [rolls] 10!
Josh: Versus AC is a miss.
Matt: [ as monsters keep missing us left and right ] Was there a sign above the door to the keep that said “you must be under this level to delve this dungeon?”
Matt: [ has just cleared a path ] “Happy now, Glurp?”
Josh: “Yep, dragonman! I’ll get ’er done!”
Slash: It’s Glurp the Cable Guy!
Matt: [ at an altar of Bahamut ] “Bosephus, why don’t you go up—oh, wait….”
Josh: He could always try to lie. “Oh, great…” [ mumbles ]
Slash: What’s Bahamut’s passive Insight?
[ There’s far too much hilarity to be captured here, but to summarize: Elyse’s character found some little dragon statuettes and tried to keep them all for herself. Slash beat her Bluff with his Insight, then her Fortitude with his Strength and took them from her, distributing them among the party but keeping her share from her. In retaliation, she chose to punch Ganassi in the gut, beating his AC with her Strength check and dealing 2 damage. Slash wasn’t going to use a healing surge but with those 2 points of damage a surge brought him back to full. ]
[ the roar of a 3-year-old is audible from the upper floor ]
Matt: “Child sacrifices.”
Josh: Before you stands a set of double doors.
Slash: [ after a pause ] That’s good, did you write that flavor text yourself?
Josh: That’s not even flavor text; I came up with that on the fly.
Patrick: Are [the doors] locked?
Josh: No, I don’t think they are. No, the doors are not locked.
Matt: Uh, I don’t know.
Josh: I was trying to look that information up, but it’s not relelevy—relevantly—rele—easily apparent.
Patrick: I walk up and pick up the blade.
Josh: Stop! This is going to be funny.
Slash: It’s not good when the DM makes that kind of comment.
Josh: The doors of the tomb slam shut and the skeleton slowly rises to its feet.
[ Bosephus is now stuck in the room by himself. ]
Elyse: “I am a powerful bard. I have killed many—4, I believe….”
Encounter 14: Siege of Winterhaven
Josh: You can feel free to roleplay it as cool as you want to. “Not my town, ye bastards!”
Patrick: Eilian says, “You call this a siege? Back in my day, we would’ve called this a nice stroll!”
Elyse: Whenever you attack the underpriest you get 3 hit points.
Slash: So wailing on the underpriest is cool and refreshing.
Patrick: And whitens your teeth.
Patrick: Do you want to mark him?
Matt: Doesn’t make any difference.
Patrick: Does to me!
Josh: He’ll shadow curse you, shooting back and forth across the bench! [ rolls ] He hits your Fortitude…23 damage.
Slash: 23?!? Yeesh. What are you at now?
Patrick: I’m putting on every bandage I have.
Matt: Now he looks like a mummy. Attack him!
Josh: He says, “I will destroy you, mage,” as he attempts to shadow curse Ganassi. [ rolls ] And totally biff it.
Slash: Ha ha!
Josh: 14 vs. Fortitude.
Slash: Oh. That hits.
Encounter 15: Assault on Valthrun’s Tower
Matt: [ rolls a high number ] 20…30 billion vs. AC.
Josh: Hit! By one.
Patrick: He looks up at me in fear, and I snarl down at him. [ rolls ] Crit 20!
Slash: [ after D’Kar kills an enemy while blind ] Did I get him?!?
Slash: I’ve lost track of how many times [Bosephus] has used gaze of defiance by backing up first.
Josh: [ after Slash has cast burning hands ] The bookcase is now on fire.
Elyse: Save the books!
Matt: I mark the bookcase!
Josh: The books are no longer on fire, but they smell bad.
Linc: [ swears an oath of enmity in Draconic ] Which everyone but Mot understands as "Your mother has a smooth forehead. [ Klingon: Hab SoSlI’ Quch! ]
Josh: You see this window shatter as Agrid escapes.
Slash: [ to Linc ] Can you shift after him down the side of the tower?
Matt: He reappears and Giya goes flying out the window.
Slash: We need 18 more experience. Can I go kill Eilian?
Matt: [ reading the daily power of his new magic amulet ] “Use this power when you fail a saving throw. Re-roll the saving throw, using the second result, even if it is lower.” So, heh, hmm…. [ given his historically low rolls, he’s not sure this is a good item ]
Encounter 16: Return to Crypt of Shadows & Hidden Armory
Slash: “Okay, Glurp, lead the way.”
Slash: I cast light on his head.
Josh: “I saw a gnome go through here!”
Slash: “It wasn’t this gnome right here, was it?”
Josh: “No, a different one.”
Elyse: Aw, I missed Glurp.
Elyse: “Does anybody have an extra sunrod?”
Patrick: We all do.
Josh: Who’s not too cheap to turn it on?
Matt: “If it’s all right with you we can all turn one on.”
Slash: “D’Kar, did you have a bad dream last night or something?”
Josh: Rats squeak as they run from sight.
Matt: “What was that? Did you hear something?”
Slash: “It was just rats, D’Kar.” I’m going to use ghost sound to put the sound of adventurer’s footsteps at the end of that hallway.
Josh: You hear the sound of an adventuring party’s footsteps echo throughout the chamber.
Matt: “What was that?!?”
Slash: “That was me, D’Kar.”
Slash: I’ll do an Arcana check on D’Kar to see if I detect magic. [ rolls ] How about 30?
Elyse: If you’re following the left-hand wall that would take you all the way to the corner!
Slash: There’s a break right here!
Elyse: That’s the right-hand—oh, that is the left.
Slash: “Mot, stop walking backwards.”
Elyse: He’s ignoring me.
Slash: He’s busy.
Josh: I heard her.
Elyse: DMs are supposed to bow to me.
Elyse: Because I’m awesome!
Slash: I put my sword straight up in air.
Patrick: Oh, your He-man pose.
[ as Mot goes through an illusion wall ]
Josh: “No, Mot, where’d you go? The wall ate Mot!”
Josh: [ reading a riddle ] “Of what do I speak?”
Slash: Wow. So you suck in combat, but at least you’ve got a brain on you. The character with the 8 INT. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here with my 19 INT going “Um…. Um….”
Elyse: You were thinking too hard!
Encounter 17: Hobgoblin Guard Room
Patrick: You also have some sort of super power to toughen up your bluff?
Elyse: To bluff my buff? No, it bluffs my buff—bluffs my—goddammit! It buffs my diplomacy. Why did I think it bluffed my—buffed my bluff?
Elyse: [ mumbling nonsense instead of a password, rolling bluff ] 27!
Josh: The hobgoblins squint and one of them demands, “What business do you have with Kalarel that you know the password?”
Elyse: Wait, that’s the front of the line?
Slash: Yeah. Most people read left to right.
Elyse: You can totally blow it out your A-hole.
Josh: Whoa! Who pissed in Mot’s corn flakes?
Slash: Fey Step as another move….
Josh: “Yay, blinky!” Glurp closes his eyes and squints like he’s trying to do it. Nothing happens.
Elyse: He dirties his pants. Whoops.
Josh: “Tried too hard.”
Patrick: BFG tells him, “Once you learn to blink sideways, you can do it.”
Patrick: Did you just say “wookie”?
Josh: I said “okay”.
Elyse: I thought he said “wookie” too.
Josh: [ rolling a climb check for a hobgoblin ] Oh, he fails and falls 4 squares.
Patrick: 2d10. 2d20!!
Josh: [ after Patrick misses with an attack ] Ever since I fixed his character he hasn’t been doing very well.
Patrick: Yeah, I was doing a lot better when I was cheating.
Elyse: Half this battle you’ve been on your butt.
Slash: Initially, it was voluntarily.
Tim: He’s just rolling around on the floor.
Patrick: I do have a Holy Healer’s Morningstar +1.
Matt: You’re going to bean him over the head?
Slash: “Be healed!” Thump!
Josh: You’re doing it wrong! And: aren’t you a cleric?
Patrick: Lance of Faith hasn’t hit anything tonight.
Slash: Are you going to have to change your strategy?
Patrick: It worked better when I was cheating.
Slash: [ mumbling ] I can’t get my dragonling….
Patrick: Your kraken?!?
Slash: My dragonling.
Patrick: You have a kraken and you didn’t tell us about it?
Josh: You chop his head off and it goes pinwheeling into the well. D’Kar picks it up and is like, “Not one of mine.”
Slash: I’d guess he marks the head the way he used to, given how much damage the warcaster did to him.
Matt: Oh no; I mark him in a new way.
Elyse: Is he smiling?
Slash: Who, Ganassi? Yeah, he’ll smile. That counts as a use of your twice-per-day power, though.
Elyse: Oh, let me mark it.
Elyse: Oh, I keep forgetting about virtue of valor . Doofensmirtz!
Encounter 18: Prison Room and Chamber of Statues
Elyse: Who wants to go on the stretcher?
Patrick: I don’t think that’s a stretcher.
Josh: It’s a rack.
Slash: And you call yourself a healer.
Tim: I’ll do hunter’s quarry on the statue.
Josh: The statue seems nonplussed.
Matt: It’s one versus five on this side of the door; I’m just saying.
Patrick: They sound like minions!
Elyse: [ rolling a Thievery check to unlock a door ] 29! No, 19! No—yes, 19.
Josh: 29 would have been better.
Matt: [ rolling Diplomacy ] 10.
Tim: You apparently throw up in front of them.
Patrick: Lance of Faith hasn’t hit all night, and I took this blue pill!
Josh: [ after some bad rolls by Tim ] Missed. The non-moving statues.
Encounter 19: Ghoul Warren
Tim: …transvestite character….
Slash: [ laughing ] You suck! He’s trying to get silence for the noise-reducer.
Elyse: Do you want to do it again?
Matt: I’ll just wait. … Good enough.
Josh: He’s going to mind touch you. [ rolls ] 8 vs. Reflex.
Patrick: Versus Reflex?
Patrick: Why not Will or something?
Slash: That’s versus Reflex for the same reason Joan’s incendiary sword, which is when she throws her sword at you and it explodes, is versus Will.
Slash: [ to Tim ] Get in there!
Josh: Isn’t your last name Swordswinger? Swing some swords!
Matt: What happens when you turn undead undead?
Tim: They turn into a wooden boy.
Patrick: I have a choice to make. I can either turn undead or Pelor’s radiance.
Matt: Doesn’t matter; you’re going to miss with either one.
Slash: Oh my gosh…. 9 and 10 vs. Reflex.
Josh: [ checking ] You hit them both!
Slash: I’m going to keep the bag of holding because I don’t trust the gnome with it.
Elyse: You can trust me with it!
Patrick: You can put the gnome in the bag of holding.
Encounter 20: Looting the Chieftain’s Chamber and Corridors of the Cube
Josh: You also find three bottles of wine.
Slash: “Bosephus, you want to carry those?”
Patrick: I consecrate the wine, and drink it.
Josh: All three bottles?
Patrick: Yes! Roll a Constitution check?
Josh: Roll a Constitution check.
Patrick: [ rolls ] Oh, that’s bad.
Patrick: Oh, I get a +1 bonus to my Endurance checks because of my fancy armor. I have a 5.
Josh: Bosephus passes out.
Matt: “I’m not carrying him.”
Tim: I’ll knock the door down. [ rolls ] Wow.
Slash: D’kar, you want to go help him out?
Tim: Someone with some strength, maybe? Because I’m carrying 60 pounds of armor, apparently.
Matt: [ rolls ] 13….
Slash: That’s what he got, so 15.
Josh: That’s enough.
Matt: We both punch the door with our thumbs in our fists.
Patrick: [ as a gelatinous cube moves toward Glurp and Mot ] “We will remember you!”
Slash: That won’t be shifting, so much, as you’re going to have to provoke an opportunity attack to get out of the way.
Patrick: I can move into the cube.
Slash: Great idea! I’ll be over here.
Elyse: Like Men in Black, jump in and hope to find a gun?
Slash: I turn to D’kar and say, “good luck.” Bamf! [ Fey Steps away ]
Slash: I’m going to try to fire shroud …12 vs Fortitude.
Slash: Okay, I’m going to spend my action point and throw fire at him… burning hands …9 vs. Reflex?
Slash: [ using wand of accuracy] 12 vs. Reflex?
Slash: Son of a—that’s all of my encounter powers in that round!
Patrick: Nobody’s crit yet tonight.
Slash: [ pointing towards the DM ] Except him.
Patrick: He doesn’t count!
Elyse: [ having to resort to a melee attack ] 7 vs. AC?
Josh: [ laughing ] Juuuuust missed.
Josh: Glurp really wants to stay and help Mot, but there’s a wall of evil Jell-O in front of him, so he’s going to run. Cube’ll probably hit, ’cause he has a low Fort. [ rolls OA from the cube ] Oh, well…. 15! [ checks stats for Glurp ] He only has a 14!
[ as I choose not to use my daily ]
Patrick: “If I die, I’m going to haunt you.”
Slash: “I’ll risk it.”
Patrick: 24 vs Reflex.
Josh: Against the cube? [ laughs ] Who’s the other enemy out there? It’s time to stop for the night.
Encounter 21: Corridors of the Cube Redux
[ the player who was running Chet was not able to make this session, so his character was…handled ]
Josh: While you recover from the cube’s ambush, Chet tightens up his bright red armor and lets you know he’ll scout ahead.
Patrick: And finds a minotaur.
Josh: As you voice your protests, he waves you off and proceeds deeper down the corridors, swords in front of him. As he passes out of sight, it isn’t long before two loud bangs echo down the corridor, followed by a hoarse scream. Glurp draws a hand crossbow that had been hidden among his rags and says, “Come on! They’re killing Stabby!”
Slash: Or a horse. I heard a “horse” scream.
Elyse: [ neighs ]
Elyse: I don’t understand “never pick up a duck in a dungeon.”
Slash: Because it’ll never actually be a duck. It’ll be, like, death.
Josh: In duck form.
Josh: He’s going to whip out a sly flourish with his hand crossbow to start. [ rolls ] 12 damage, plus [ rolls sneak attack ] 11, so 23 damage.
Slash: Ganassi’s eyes bug out a bit at this sudden display of—
Josh: [ as Glurp ] “Yeah! Suck it!”
Slash: “How bad is he?”
Patrick: “He’s dead, Jim.”
Patrick: [ as Matt asks about dragging Chet’s body out of the room ] But I’m using him for cover!
Matt: Aren’t you a cleric?
Slash: Got that out of the way early.
Josh: Hit! I hate your party so much.
Josh: Unfortunately, while you guys were chopping him up like that, you destroyed all of his magic items. Shucks!
Slash: We need experience points.
Patrick: Zombie Chet would want us to have experience points.
Josh: [ after Glurp gets 10sp ] That’s more money than Glurp’s ever had. He’s going to retire and buy a hotel.
Children’s Treasure is Mot’s Gain
Elyse: [ rolling Thievery ] 15.
Slash: No, that was the plus.
Elyse: I rolled a 3.
Josh: Glurp’s making the best outfit he can out of the boy’s clothes.
Slash: “Glurp, that is…completely inappropriate.”
Matt: Half girl, half boy clothes.
Slash: He’s got on a vest over top of a dress.
Josh: And a big floppy hat!
Encounter 22: Cathedral of Shadow
Slash: [ as Giya is rejoining the party ] “I will refrain from telling you what happened to the last person to join up with us here at the keep.”
Josh: What was your Stealth check, 4?
Matt: Monsters in the next adventure hear you.
Matt: “Chet! I mean, Giya!”
Slash: Ambrose! Magellan. Sorry!
Josh: He’s going to launch night’s veal on Bosephus.
Slash: Knights of Veal ?
Josh: Night’s Veil .
Elyse: Can I say that Glurp marked him?
Josh: Sure. “Mot, what are you doing?!? I thought you loved me!”
Josh: A whole 3 damage.
Matt: What type?
Matt: So it has no effect.
Josh: Oh right, because you resist. Well, you also take ongoing 5 necrotic…which you resist, too. But you’re knocked prone! Yes!
Patrick: The DM keeps listing off effects.
Josh: One of these is going to stick! And your head falls off!
Slash: “I got this, BFG!”
Patrick: [ blinded ] “Got what?”
Slash: “Don’t worry about it!”
Slash: [ as an invisible Agrid is defeated ] His head reappears, falls to the ground, then his body reappears and collapses.
Encounter 23: Shadow Rift
Josh: Ganassi hears the whisperings of his father in his head. You are pulled 5 squares…
Josh: …toward the mouth of the portal.
Elyse: I don’t like that.
Slash: I don’t like that at all.
Josh: D’Kar hears a female draconic voice come from the portal. He’s not sure who it is, since he doesn’t have a backstory.
Matt: I can’t lay hands on myself, can I?
Patrick: Please do not.
Josh: You can, but you’ll go blind.
Patrick: If I push him into the mouth of hell, is the encounter over?
Elyse: Or does he come back with Orcus?
Patrick: Meet my wife!
Josh: Bosephus hears whispers from his dead sister; since he also doesn’t have a backstory, I’m making all this stuff up. [ rolls ] 10 vs Will is a miss.
Slash: “Wait, I don’t have a sister!”
Josh: Stupid portal.
Patrick: The voice in the portal goes, “uh…uh….”
Josh: “I meant your dead…brother.”
Patrick: “Everyone has a mother, right?”
Patrick: I’m going to use beacon of hope .
Slash: Did you say beacon of rope ?
Josh: Bacon of hope .
Slash: Bacon of rope ! It’s a rope made of bacon!
Josh: [The party]’s back up to full [HP]? Worst. Boss fight. Ever.
Slash: On the way back to Winterhaven, Ganassi asks Mot how much he has to pay her to settle his debt.
Slash: “You loaned me 10!”
Slash: “What kind of interest rate do you charge? 100% per minute ?”
Josh: A group of children are following D’Kar around, pestering him with questions and asking him to breathe fire.
Matt: Which I do. For…[rolls damage].
Josh: Delphina kisses D’Kar on the cheek, then runs off blushing into the crowd. D’Kar feels one of the children elbow him, and he looks down to see that it’s Glurp, snickering at what he’s just seen.
Josh: A crowd gathers around, listening and pressing drinks into their hands to moisten their throats and loosen their tongues.
Patrick: Very loose!
Slash: Very moist.
Elyse: That’s disgusting.
Matt: That’s what she said!
Encounter 24: Szartharrax’s Revenge
Josh: As you travel down the Old King’s Road, you enjoy a gentle breeze, warm sunlight—except [hungover] Bosephus—and the gentle clip-clop of the horses’ shoes on the ground.
Elyse: So what happens if we fall off the wagon?
Slash: Theoretically speaking, if you fall off the wagon, the rest of us get away scot-free!
[ Glurp makes a running jump, 22 Athletics, to jump on top of the Adult White Dragon, hit with his daily attack power, which allows him to shift back to the wagon that we were in when it attacked. ]
Matt: I’m totally tweeting this!
Matt: I crit.
Josh: With your daily? Again? I hate you. You take 5 damage [from the power]!
Josh: Everybody pick your best between acrobatics, athletics, and endurance, and roll a check.
Elyse: And if they all suck? Can I roll nature instead?
Matt: If you pass, you still take 3?
Slash: If you pass, you take 3; if you fail, you take 30. It’s a simple system….
Slash: Is teleportation momentum-canceling?
Slash: I use my feat to bamf Douven to safety.
Patrick: You bamf him into a tree trunk!
Matt: My goal is to make your gameplay so complicated even you can’t keep up.
Slash: Keep it up, ‘cause it’s going to be tough!